Tag: #momlife

It’s a Trip, Not a Vacation: A Love Letter to Exhausted Moms

I talked to my bestie yesterday as she’s packing her family to go to Disney, and we were joking about the reality that is vacationing with children. “It’s not a vacation, it’s a trip!” But there is so much truth in that statement. Let’s be real—‘vacationing with kids’ is often code for ‘logistical marathon with pool breaks.’

For most moms, the lead-up to vacation is a stress spiral because we’re the ones doing the heavy lifting to get everyone out the door. It’s packing lists for ourselves and our kid(s), double-checking the clothes, medicine, chargers for every device, and confirming all the travel details: flights, hotel, car rental, you name it. Held mail, pet boarding, and every last detail you don’t want to forget but probably invariably will. I know I’m not the only mom who is tired before they even hit the door to leave.

My friend said her kid asked if she was excited about their upcoming trip, and she had to summon the energy to say, “Yeah buddy!” Narrator: She was, in fact, not excited. She had just finished mowing the lawn, and was helping the kids pack. She wanted a nap more than anything in the world.

Things don’t “settle down” during the vacation either. Trying to manage your kids (and yourself!) while completely out of the regular routine, and without any of the usual supports you’d have at your own home, can be quite challenging. Bed times go out the window, no one has seen a vegetable in days, unless you count ketchup. And they are begging to do the thing AGAIN. Add in being the keeper of the itinerary and every other thing no one else is thinking about and it’s no wonder you’re exhausted.

Am I glad we are making family memories? Yes, absolutely. I’m not knocking that time together at all. But I am giving recognition to the moms out there, to say “I see you!” because I know every single detail that goes into making sure those memories go off without a hitch.

Riding The Struggle Bus

All aboard, bitches! I have been riding the struggle bus for weeks and want to take you along for this journey. No really, hop on….let’s go!

I have been telling close friends and coworkers I am not sure if I am burned out, depressed, suffering from menopausal hormonal issues, or some lethal combination of the three. I have felt both physically and emotionally drained and unsure of how I am supposed to remedy this feeling. But, as a result of sharing with people, I am finding this is more of a collective energy these days. There is some solace in knowing I am not alone riding the struggle bus these days.

I have had my daughter the past three weeks and I have beat myself up for not making this part of summer a magical time with her. You see and hear all these sayings like “you only have 18 summers with your kids!” and while I acknowledge that is true, it is completely unrealistic to make every day magic. In addition to these societal expectations, my ex-husband goes out of his way to do over the top shit with our daughter, so I have to fight that feeling of competing with him. In my core, I know it’s not a competition but I am still a human being who is prone to make comparisons. Some days, I am struggling to keep my own head above water…so in trying to keep myself from drowning, I don’t create magic. And after some contemplation (and guilt!), I have realized that is OK. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with this false sense that every day is a magical fairy tale event. It’s not; that is not how life works. It is usually in those fleeting moments of joy where memories are made, so I am trying to remind myself of that when the bad mom guilt monster rears its ugly head. Take yesterday as an example, we both happened to catch the family dog dragging his butt across the carpet and we laughed until we were both crying and out of breath. An ordinary, funny as hell moment out of our day where we shared a moment of connection. I guess that is a type of magic, isn’t it? Maybe I need to redefine magic as not being some capitalistic, over the top event I have to present my daughter with on a regular basis.

On the work front, I have been stressed to the max due to a situation that came to a conclusion this past week. I am hoping it means things will be looking up. From a health front, in order to be more proactive about menopause and aging, I am working with a holistic doctor. I am starting to slowly see positive results. More than anything, I have been so encouraged by the fact my concerns have not been dismissed as a “regular part of aging” or just “something all women deal with”. I have felt heard, really listened to, and have felt like this is a good partnership in working towards optimal health for me. The current struggle is the realization and change that comes with the fact that what worked for me even 5, 10, 15 years ago no longer works and I have to find a new way to eat, move my body and live my most healthiest life.

Personally, I haven’t felt great about the amount of doom scrolling I have been doing these days. I recognize it as a sign my mind cannot deal with anything else at the moment, and it’s to tune out and dissociate to protect myself. I get that. I also am feeling pulled to start cultivating a life that feels more centered on joy, instead of shoulding all over myself. I dunno about you, but I am so good about shoulding all over myself versus taking time to do things that really feed my soul. I have operated from the mindset that my responsibilities always come first and that joy, pleasure, hobbies and things I enjoy only come afterwards, IF I have any energy or desire left. And you know what? That is complete and utter bullshit. I have realized part of my issue is precisely because I have not been infusing these small moments of joy into my daily life. Do I know how to change that? Not quite yet, but I am confident I will figure it out.

Where am I going with this post? I continue to ride the struggle bus into the future, hoping to get off soon at Joyful Street or Easy Life Lane. I think more than anything, if you are riding the struggle bus too, know you are not alone. Maybe we can share a seat on the bus.

The First Holidays After Divorce

I am sitting alone on Thanksgiving morning with the dog, drinking a cup of coffee and reflecting on the fact this is the first Thanksgiving without my daughter. The way our parenting plan and schedule worked out this year I won’t be with my daughter on Halloween, Thanksgiving, her actual birthday, and Christmas Eve & Christmas morning. Needless to say, the holidays have hit differently for me this year.

I have had a multitude of feelings about spending some of my first holidays alone post-divorce. First and foremost, I am sad, but I get this was a natural consequence. It wasn’t unexpected in that way. It has been hard fielding questions about how my daughter liked Halloween or how she dressed up (I dunno because I wasn’t there) or what my plans are for Thanksgiving. This whole experience has also given me the ability to understand how my mom felt when we went to our dad’s for the holidays. It’s a bit different, since we only saw my dad on holidays & weekends, but I recognize the sameness of our situations in spending holidays alone. I do have compassion for her experience, as this is not an easy time to navigate, but also disappointment in that she guilt tripped us and made us feel bad for seeing our other parent. That is something I have been thoroughly intentional about…I do not want my daughter to feel guilt at seeing her dad or spending time with her dad. Divorce is hard enough on a kid; there is no need for a parent to layer their own guilt on top of an already challenging situation for a child.

I also have felt anger towards my ex-husband. We were in an amicable co-parenting place before he allowed another woman to move in and run the show and our co-parenting relationship has taken a hit as a result. I would have loved for an invitation to have been extended to me to spend at least a few hours together with our daughter on this day. But that hasn’t happened. I don’t think it will materialize in the future, so I am left to cope with this reality solely on my own.

I have come to realize that the first holidays feel similarly to the experience of navigating the first year after someone dies. As you approach these days, you realize things have been forever altered. It can be filled with emotional landmines as you grieve the loss of your intact family and any traditions you may have had. I was unpacking Christmas décor and stumbled across a paper mache snowman I bought with my ex on a trip to Mexico City. I smiled at the memory while feeling a pang of sorrow and then promptly threw it in the trash. I hope you do not romanticize the past with your ex, as there was a reason why the two of you got divorced. Although the memory made me smile, I recognize that my life is ultimately far more peaceful and joyful NOW post-divorce then it ever was married. Despite any grief I may feel about this time, I know in my heart I made the absolute right decision for myself. I was invited to friends, and while I appreciated the generous offer, I declined it, as I wanted to allow myself space to grieve and navigate this new normal on my own.

Let’s not also forget the positives too. It is a time for you to CREATE new traditions on those holidays you DO have you child. My kid is old enough now for us to bake Christmas cookies together. I love baking and want to involve her in a new tradition where we make Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. Although not new, we adopt local kids from our Boys and Girls Club because I want her to realize there are kids in this world that have socks, underwear or a winter coat on their wish list for Christmas. Despite the difficult journey our family has gone through, we still are very fortunate. I want her to see the holiday is not all about receiving; it is about giving. It is about helping where you can to make your community and world a better place. And it’s an opportunity for you personally, dear one. I decided to see a movie later today by myself. I booked the ticket last night and am looking forward to movie theater popcorn later! While I am not cooking a full on Thanksgiving dinner for myself, I did get from the store certain holiday foods I love (stuffing, pumpkin pie. etc.) and plan to cook them later. It is not all sadness and grieving; there are some hopeful, joyful moments during this time.

If you are going through the holidays post-divorce for the first time like me, my heart goes out to you. My wish is for healing and love to surround you, even in those tough moments. Know that it is not all bad, it will get better, and you will get through it. Be hopeful for your future.

Perfect Timing

Perfect timing for my daughter to get sick. 2-1/2 weeks into a new job. With no manager or director right now. Sigh. Tuesday night we were up half the night with her because she wasn’t feeling well. Poor peanut, I know this is not her fault but shit. What awful timing!

Yesterday I stayed home from work with her. I tried to do some work when she napped but also wanted to make sure I took good care of her. I was able to still attend a conference call because the husband came home from work. I felt so incredibly guilty when I was working and not taking care of V, and then felt guilty when I was with her and not attending to my work. It’s incredibly exhausting to feel like an octopus juggling all these balls in the air. And the sad fact? By trying to spread myself so thin I’m not doing any of these things well. At all.

Last night she still had almost a 103 fever. I felt so bad for her because I knew she was miserable. Poor baby. Even though she woke up with no fever this morning, I still wanted to keep her home for another day.

Which meant another morning of trying to juggle. Then rushing off to work for an afternoon filled with meetings and trainings. Sigh. These are days that I wish I could clone myself.