The New Workplace

This week at work, we had some changes in leadership, including our CEO and other high-level executives. As a result in a departmental meeting, this talk of what will happen to remote working under our new leadership began circulating. It seems to be ever present in people’s minds. Our leader mentioned that our old CEO hated remote work and would have rather we all be back in the office. Our new CEO didn’t even live in the same city as the region he was representing, so there was talk that he may be more flexible at keeping remote work in place. I sat in the meeting, wondering to myself, “Why is this even a point of discussion three years into a global pandemic?”

The amount of gaslighting going on these days by Corporate America is insane. We are anchoring results against the pre-pandemic world. We talk about going back into the office as “getting back to the way things were”. It makes me want to scream, “What have you witnessed in the past three years that makes you think that ANYTHING or ANYONE is the same as before the start of the pandemic?” There is no getting back to the way things were. Like it or not, we are all forever changed as a result of living through this moment in history.

Across the globe, we watched over 6 million of our fellow humans die from this disease. A lot of us are either experiencing or bearing witness to the devastating health effects of long COVID as a result of having had this and actually survived. I was fortunate enough not to lose a close family member or friend during this time, but I know plenty of people who did. For those of us with children, it was an exhausting daily task of calculating the risk of whether or not to take your child out into the world, deciding to put them in daycare, etc. because even though there was a global pandemic, we were still expected to show up and do our jobs. At my company, and my ex-husband’s company, we operated completely remotely for over a year and guess what? Those companies did not significantly suffer having a remote workforce.

For me personally, the pandemic shifted a lot of my own personal values. Pre-pandemic, I was overly concerned with my own career track. I had often felt “behind” at progressing up the corporate ladder and was overextending myself to try to make strides to get promoted, etc. Now? I could honestly give a shit less about the “corporate ladder”. It’s all bullshit. I am no longer interested in participating in capitalism the way I once did before. Now I am interested in doing a good job for my own personal integrity and also I want flexibility to attend my daughter’s events, pick her up early to do something to go make memories, or not be exhausted at the end of the day that I don’t have the energy or inclination to pursue some of my own hobbies and interests. I learned a very emotional yet important lesson during this time: you do not know when your time is up. I want to savor the moments, both individually and with my because I will never get that time. My dad used to talk about making memories with us, and his words echo on repeat in my head.

I am waiting for employers to catch up and finally realize this is the new workplace. Workers globally no longer care about sacrificing their mental health and time with family and friends to help the company earn ridiculous profits. As for me, I will be sure to take time to make memories with my kiddo.

Letting Go

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. You are a constant companion in my heart and on my mind. Most days I send you love. I send you peace. I send you healing. I want you to know I am rooting for you every. single. day. Ultimately, I want what is best for you…even if it’s not with me.

Some days I tell you to fuck off. I’m not proud of those moments, but I am human and acknowledge my humanness. Those are the days it feels painful to hold this love in my heart. Those are the days my body aches to be physically close to you. To be held by you. To be wrapped up in your presence. Those are usually the days I cry. Those are the days I question whether it was real.

I will forever be grateful for our time together. I have told you before, and I will tell you time and time again: you were a gift from the Universe. I am certain of that. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

I am letting go to choose me. I am letting so I don’t make the same mistake as I did before; putting my life on hold. I am sad to let go of this ridiculous sense of hopefulness I have carried, but I know it is what I need to do. I am confident if we are supposed to be together in the future, you’ll find your way back to me.

And no matter what, please don’t forget I am rooting for you. Every. Single. Day.

The Fun (and Perils!) of Online Dating

I am dipping my toes back into the world of (online) dating after my divorce. It has been interesting to say the least! I have had several good times, too many laughs to count, and a few WTF moments to share with you. It has been nearly 20 years since I have “dated” and things have changed, including me.

First and foremost, can someone help me understand why ghosting is happening with people in their late 30’s and 40’s? Last time I checked I thought we were all adults! I saw a Tiktok that cracked me up because she said if you ghost someone as a person in your 40’s, I am going to wonder if it is ghosting or you had a heart attack and died! LOL This happened to me with a match I had. Things were going fairly well IMHO. We had seen each other multiple times and were texting daily over the course of several months. I cannot tell you how hurt I was when the ghosting happened. I had no closure. I was left holding the bag, wondering what went wrong. Replaying our time together in my head, wondering where I had somehow missed a sign? What I deserved, and would have appreciated, was some communication things had changed, or wasn’t working out. That could have been a simple text message. Something, anything instead of just *poof* disappearing. On the positive end, for those I have matched with and not felt a connection or wanted to pursue things, I have been honest with them. Clear communication is kind. I don’t ghost, because I would never want someone to feel the way I felt in that moment. I wish more people would be considerate of others’ feelings. It is not easy for anyone to put themselves out there, man or woman, and no one likes being rejected. But a rejection is far better than being ghosted.

Lately I have been gobsmacked at some of the things I have seen with online dating. First and foremost, I am convinced most men do not know how to hold a conversation. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of times the conversation fizzled out because I was not asked a single question about myself…and I refused to keep the conversation going by being the only one to ask questions and be curious. This morning I matched with someone who was handsome and he messaged me to tell me that he had just gotten back from the gym, and he has to wear two pairs of bike shorts….and was that OK?!? I played dumb and asked, “Was what ok?” To which he proceeded to tell me how BIG he is and if I would be OK that he was so incredibly large. First of all, um, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, you are THAT huge. Secondly, this was in the first 3 messages he sent me after we matched. Huh? What? You’re leading with your cock size in this initial conversation?!? Is that all you have to offer?!? The smartass in me wanted to message him and say “Prove it!” but I told him it was an unappealing lead in and he ended the conversation. LOL I mean, I understand some people are only looking to hookup or be solely FWB, which is fine, but at least be upfront in your profile or what you are looking for.

I had another guy I was talking to send me a picture of another woman and then mentioned something about a date. Um, ok?!? Listen my guy, I am a mid-40’s woman who is divorced…if you are trying to make me jealous by letting me know you have options, I hate to break it to you but your approach just backfired. While I would love to find someone to date and go on adventures with, I do not need you in my life. So if your plan is to “make me jealous” in order to get my attention, I am wholly uninterested.

I had a few times where dates were arranged and then fell apart at the last minute. One guy changed the meeting time of our date, and the place we were supposed to meet at was closing within 30 minutes of us getting there. I asked him if he had suggestions for an alternative place or if he wanted to reschedule and his reply was, “I understand if you have changed your mind about meeting me.” Ummmmmmm, WTF?! When I told him that wasn’t what I said he stopped responding to my text messages. I silently thanked the Universe for screening him out for me. Another guy I had to reschedule our initial date because I wasn’t feeling well, and he told me he would get back to me with options for where to meet. This was a week before our date. He did not reach out until the afternoon of the day of our date. I told him I didn’t think it was happening since the ball was in his court to send me places and he never did. He told me I could have reminded him. No thank you sir! Last time I checked, I thought you were a grown ass adult. If you need me to REMIND you we have a date and for you to make plans, this does not bode well for any kind of future. I already have a child and am not looking to manage a man-child as part of my next relationship. That was part of the reason I got divorced. No one is attracted to someone they have to mother or be a parent to.

There have been some positive moments, along with some disappointing ones as well. I know this is part of life. Despite some of the letdowns and challenges I remain hopeful to meet someone I am compatible with and who will add to my life. Some days are more hopeful than others. This morning I am not that optimistic. I texted my bestie and asked her to remind me why I am doing this again. SIGH Until that happens, I will continue to share my comedy dating stories so everyone can have a few laughs.

Is This Middle Age?

I’m approaching my mid-40’s, which puts me squarely in this middle age bracket. And as much as I would like to believe I’ll live forever, I’m having moments of WTF is that pain?!? Is it the big one?!? My bestie and I frequently joke when having said random pains, “Is this how we die?” It is mostly a way to ease the tension, but there is an element of truth that lies beneath.

To be fair, I wouldn’t call myself a hypochondriac, but I did lose my dad and other family members to cancer when they were middle-aged. My dad was 50 when he died, so as I creep closer to that age I am worried the same fate lies ahead for me. Which is worrisome, because I want to be around a long, long time for my kiddo. I lost my father in my early 20’s, which was devastating enough to deal with. I could not imagine losing a parent as a child.

In the past month, here is some of what I had to contend with when it comes to middle age problems. First and foremost freaker-outer moment was me having to rule out a DVT or blood clot in my leg. I had a recent COVID infection, I have a sibling that has a history of blood clots (multiple pulmonary embolisms) and I started having calf pain that would not go away. I ignored it for over a week, but then started to get worried when it wasn’t really getting better. After a telehealth visit confirmed my worries, off to the ER I went. My sister had cautioned me to be on the lookout for it, but I ignored her mostly because it freaked me out a little (ok, ok, ok, it freaked me out a LOT). One downside of post-divorce solitude is that I could die and no one may know about it right away. That is fun to think about.

The good news? It wasn’t a blood clot! The bad news. It is probably something structural in my body, which I now suspect is my Achilles tendon. Yesterday, while attempting to skip in the rain with my daughter, I was one skip in and felt a terrible pain in that same calf that had me limping the rest of the day.

As if that wasn’t enough, then my period decided it needed a vacation. Same, period, same. I was going on 42 days before it decided to show up again. In force. The only upside is I did not have a “hoe phase” in January, so I wasn’t overly concerned I was pregnant, but did take a pregnancy test to rule that out. Cool, cool, let me add perimenopause to the list of middle-age wonders I now get to contend with. I have been asking close friends how much they know about this topic and most don’t know a lot (including me). Our mothers didn’t talk to us about going through this change, so it is another area of life where I am flying blind and figuring it out as I go. Hooray.

I read an article about menopause and it talked about how this was just preparing you for this next phase in life. I sat there thinking, “What next phase?!? Death?!?” Yes, let us prepare for that. It is totally depressing. This whole post has been a random mix of depressing updates. I tell you this so you know if you have any middle-aged women friends you work with or in your life, we are coping with a lot these days. And we are not well and our bodies are starting to fall apart. And if you didn’t already get the takeaway: middle age fucking blows (my current mood). Although I wouldn’t trade my body falling apart for the life experience I have gained, so I guess there’s my silver lining. Excuse me while I go pop my supplements and limp off into the sunset.