Tag: #divorce

The Home Stretch of the Divorce

The Home Stretch of the Divorce

As of Wednesday of this week, our divorce paperwork has officially been filed with the courts. I have been really emotional these past few days. I have run through almost every emotion imaginable. Joy at finally being at the finish line of this long, arduous, and expensive process. I feel sadness because it is still an ending, regardless of the fact I initiated our divorce. I feel anger sometimes about the insane amount of money I had to shell out this week after signing the settlement agreement. I feel anxious because the clock has officially started ticking on the end of our marriage…and the only thing that may slow it down or stop it is the judge requesting a hearing with us, or some other legal snafu.

Last, but certainly not least, I feel gobsmacked in some ways because I am in utter disbelief that we are actually this close to the finish line. I had days where it seemed as though we’d never get here. That we would never stop fighting about money, or possessions, or whatever other petty bullshit came between the two of us. I am letting myself feel it all. As a result I have done a lot of crying this week. I recognize I am still in a transition phase, and have not yet really embarked on the next part of my journey.

There are still quite a few entanglements between the two of us to unwind. My ex closed on his house today, and will start moving in. That means the pile of his stuff in the garage will finally be gone, as will some of the few remaining items of his around the house. We will be closing out any remaining accounts, severing one of the last ties to each other. We will be signing over ownership of the vehicles to each of us individually. Dividing up our daughter’s toys so that she will have toys and belongings at each house. I will begin the process of having to pay him monthly child support.

We have gotten to a good place in our co-parenting relationship, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. As I look forward to my journey, I am genuinely excited about what the future holds for me. Yes, I am sad my marriage didn’t work out, but I am being afforded an opportunity to write a new story in my 40’s. To redefine what I want for myself and my life. To explore my interests, hobbies, the world, and new relationships with a renewed sense of freedom and curiosity. To not simply exist, but fully show up and live my life. As the picture says, I for sure have no idea where in the hell I am going from here, but I know deep within my soul it will NOT be boring!

(I Need) Sexual Healing

(I Need) Sexual Healing

Ah, Marvin Gaye. I realize I am showing my (old) age with that song title, but I don’t give a shit. This song came on in the car during my morning commute, and my grin spread from ear to ear. The universe and its serendipitous timing! All I kept thinking was, “THAT is exactly what I need!” Let me explain.

I am in the process of getting divorced from a 14-year marriage. And during the last few years of our marriage, I completely moved out of our bedroom, into the spare bedroom. Needless to say, our sex life, which was on life support to begin with, completely tanked. We barely did *it* anymore, and even in the times we did, it was never earth-shattering (at least for me). Part of that I attributed to how long we’d been together, but there was an underlying feeling that I was more or less a receptacle. Which I genuinely hope you, dear reader, never have to personally experience, since it is a soul-crushing feeling. That you could swap me out with any. other. vagina. and the outcome for him would still be the same. I didn’t feel seen at all, and I started to seriously wonder what happened to my sex drive. I know things change after having kids, but there was nothing there. I contemplated if I was genuinely asexual. Like was my sexual being dead inside?!?

Then when I finally managed to tell him I wanted a divorce, we lived together for several months while he was trying to find a place to move into. We spent our days trying to be civil to one another, often failing, as we navigated our feelings about our breakup while trying to keep it together for the sake of our daughter. I spent those months collapsing into bed from utter emotional exhaustion. Sex? The thought never crossed my mind. I was too worried about getting through the next day or stuffing down my rage over some shitty passive-aggressive comment he made so I could get up and do it all again.

Fast-forward to today. We are alternating custody and my ex has been moved out for almost 2 months now. Much to my chagrin (and complete fucking surprise!), my sexual being is not dead inside. Holy shit, quite the contrary…this mama needs some action! It felt as like some switch was turned off, and someone turned it the hell on. I am daydreaming of fantasies quite often. And as much as I can and have utilized battery-operated toys, that doesn’t even compete with the feel of another body pressed up against yours. Or someone gently kissing your neck. Or pressing you up against a wall.

Here is the conundrum I currently face. I haven’t had sex with another person in over 10 years. I feel so old and decrepit when it comes to the hookup and/or dating scene I’m not even sure what to start. Am I looking for a husband? Gawd no, I just sent one packing! Am I looking to seriously date? My lip grimaces as I type this so I’m gonna go with a big N-O there. But on the flip side, the thought of a one-night stand makes me cringe. As a woman, the thought of bringing someone back to my place is a non-starter just in terms of my own physical safety. And with dating apps, how do I being to weed out the misogynists, creepers, and abusers? Ideally, a friends with benefits option sounds REALLY great right about now. Except I don’t have a friend that would fit that scenario. SIGH.

All I know is I could definitely use some sexual healing. And soon. Until I figure this shit out, brb, while I go invest in some battery company.

To Be (Married) Or Not to Be

To Be (Married) Or Not to Be

Well, it is go time motherfuckers! Shit or get off the pot so to speak. Friday we have our first discernment counseling or therapy session. Never heard of it? Well, neither had I until I had gotten a little information from a therapist on TikTok. Then I did some more research on it and thought, “YAS! This is what we need!”

What is it? It’s a specific type of counseling that helps you to decide one of three paths for your marriage/relationship: 1) continuing as is, 2) separation or divorce and 3) intense couples counseling for 6 months with divorce off the table during that 6 month period. It is time boxed, between 1 and 5 sessions, so it doesn’t drag on interminably. You don’t really use discernment therapy to hash out your relationship or marital issues…it is more or less you, your partner, and a therapist deciding, “Should we stay or should we go?”

I just let out a huge exhale as I typed this, because even though I initiated the appointment I’m still wracked with anxiety about the potential outcome. I know, I know, if we do get divorced, I will not be the first person to ever experience this. Nor will I be the last. But not a single person goes into their marriage thinking they are going to possibly end up divorced somewhere up ahead in the future.

The hubs and I have not been doing well, pandemic aside for awhile now. But the pandemic certainly did nothing to help us out. We even have been in traditional couples therapy for the past year…and it’s not helping. And I am at the point where I am so tired of living in this limbo. I want a decision, whatever that is, and a path forward. I don’t know that I’d call it forcing my husband’s hand, but in a way, yeah, I guess it is. And I will be OK whatever happens. There is something deep down inside telling me this and it’s been rooting me, despite my occasional bouts of anxiety. I have been through so much in my life…what is one more thing for me to overcome? Stay tuned everyone…Friday is the first appointment. This picture spoke to me…and I’ll be repeating it to myself all week long.

Photo by Tonik on Unsplash