Tag: #bebrave

The Fun (and Perils!) of Online Dating

I am dipping my toes back into the world of (online) dating after my divorce. It has been interesting to say the least! I have had several good times, too many laughs to count, and a few WTF moments to share with you. It has been nearly 20 years since I have “dated” and things have changed, including me.

First and foremost, can someone help me understand why ghosting is happening with people in their late 30’s and 40’s? Last time I checked I thought we were all adults! I saw a Tiktok that cracked me up because she said if you ghost someone as a person in your 40’s, I am going to wonder if it is ghosting or you had a heart attack and died! LOL This happened to me with a match I had. Things were going fairly well IMHO. We had seen each other multiple times and were texting daily over the course of several months. I cannot tell you how hurt I was when the ghosting happened. I had no closure. I was left holding the bag, wondering what went wrong. Replaying our time together in my head, wondering where I had somehow missed a sign? What I deserved, and would have appreciated, was some communication things had changed, or wasn’t working out. That could have been a simple text message. Something, anything instead of just *poof* disappearing. On the positive end, for those I have matched with and not felt a connection or wanted to pursue things, I have been honest with them. Clear communication is kind. I don’t ghost, because I would never want someone to feel the way I felt in that moment. I wish more people would be considerate of others’ feelings. It is not easy for anyone to put themselves out there, man or woman, and no one likes being rejected. But a rejection is far better than being ghosted.

Lately I have been gobsmacked at some of the things I have seen with online dating. First and foremost, I am convinced most men do not know how to hold a conversation. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of times the conversation fizzled out because I was not asked a single question about myself…and I refused to keep the conversation going by being the only one to ask questions and be curious. This morning I matched with someone who was handsome and he messaged me to tell me that he had just gotten back from the gym, and he has to wear two pairs of bike shorts….and was that OK?!? I played dumb and asked, “Was what ok?” To which he proceeded to tell me how BIG he is and if I would be OK that he was so incredibly large. First of all, um, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, you are THAT huge. Secondly, this was in the first 3 messages he sent me after we matched. Huh? What? You’re leading with your cock size in this initial conversation?!? Is that all you have to offer?!? The smartass in me wanted to message him and say “Prove it!” but I told him it was an unappealing lead in and he ended the conversation. LOL I mean, I understand some people are only looking to hookup or be solely FWB, which is fine, but at least be upfront in your profile or what you are looking for.

I had another guy I was talking to send me a picture of another woman and then mentioned something about a date. Um, ok?!? Listen my guy, I am a mid-40’s woman who is divorced…if you are trying to make me jealous by letting me know you have options, I hate to break it to you but your approach just backfired. While I would love to find someone to date and go on adventures with, I do not need you in my life. So if your plan is to “make me jealous” in order to get my attention, I am wholly uninterested.

I had a few times where dates were arranged and then fell apart at the last minute. One guy changed the meeting time of our date, and the place we were supposed to meet at was closing within 30 minutes of us getting there. I asked him if he had suggestions for an alternative place or if he wanted to reschedule and his reply was, “I understand if you have changed your mind about meeting me.” Ummmmmmm, WTF?! When I told him that wasn’t what I said he stopped responding to my text messages. I silently thanked the Universe for screening him out for me. Another guy I had to reschedule our initial date because I wasn’t feeling well, and he told me he would get back to me with options for where to meet. This was a week before our date. He did not reach out until the afternoon of the day of our date. I told him I didn’t think it was happening since the ball was in his court to send me places and he never did. He told me I could have reminded him. No thank you sir! Last time I checked, I thought you were a grown ass adult. If you need me to REMIND you we have a date and for you to make plans, this does not bode well for any kind of future. I already have a child and am not looking to manage a man-child as part of my next relationship. That was part of the reason I got divorced. No one is attracted to someone they have to mother or be a parent to.

There have been some positive moments, along with some disappointing ones as well. I know this is part of life. Despite some of the letdowns and challenges I remain hopeful to meet someone I am compatible with and who will add to my life. Some days are more hopeful than others. This morning I am not that optimistic. I texted my bestie and asked her to remind me why I am doing this again. SIGH Until that happens, I will continue to share my comedy dating stories so everyone can have a few laughs.

I Am Ready

I am ready
For morning kisses and passionate evenings.
I am ready
For fun, laughter and adventures.
I am ready
For coffee and cuddles to start the day.
I am ready
For intimate conversations.
I am ready
To show up and be someone they can rely on.
I am ready
To be taken care of emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I am ready
To fulfill their deepest wishes and desires.
I am ready
To be with a partner I feel safe enough to be triggered by.
I am ready
To love freely, without expectation.
I am ready
To be truly seen, valued and appreciated.
I am ready
To have the tough conversations and do the healing work.
I am ready
For a love that chooses me, every single day.
I am ready
To love you for who you are.
I am ready.

Reconnecting

The doorbell rings and my heart skips a beat. You are here already? I thought you were going to call before you arrived. I am filled with gleeful anticipation as I skitter to the door. I fling it open to see you standing on my porch, your bearded face smiling, holding an overnight bag. My heart squeezes with delight as I take in the full sight of you. I usher you inside, close and lock the door, and immediately step toward you. It has been far too long. My excitement bubbles over as I long to have my body pressed up against yours and try to close the gap between us.

I am one step behind as your hands are immediately on my waist, pulling me to you while drawing me in for a kiss. I let out a sigh as I wrap my arms around your neck, leaning in. Then a gasp escapes me as your cold hands are under my shirt, exploring my body.

“Your hands are freezing!” I exclaim while laughing into the kiss.

“I know…I drove with the windows open,” he laughs as his hands continue to roam. They are not cold for long.

I show you the food I ordered for us, and you tell me you are hungry for something else. A devilish grin curls my lips as I turn to you, and the look in your eyes gives me pause. I see the wanting, the need, the longing, and it is matched by my own craving. The food goes cold while we reconnect with one another. Soon there is nothing between us except desire and time to explore.

The First Holidays After Divorce

I am sitting alone on Thanksgiving morning with the dog, drinking a cup of coffee and reflecting on the fact this is the first Thanksgiving without my daughter. The way our parenting plan and schedule worked out this year I won’t be with my daughter on Halloween, Thanksgiving, her actual birthday, and Christmas Eve & Christmas morning. Needless to say, the holidays have hit differently for me this year.

I have had a multitude of feelings about spending some of my first holidays alone post-divorce. First and foremost, I am sad, but I get this was a natural consequence. It wasn’t unexpected in that way. It has been hard fielding questions about how my daughter liked Halloween or how she dressed up (I dunno because I wasn’t there) or what my plans are for Thanksgiving. This whole experience has also given me the ability to understand how my mom felt when we went to our dad’s for the holidays. It’s a bit different, since we only saw my dad on holidays & weekends, but I recognize the sameness of our situations in spending holidays alone. I do have compassion for her experience, as this is not an easy time to navigate, but also disappointment in that she guilt tripped us and made us feel bad for seeing our other parent. That is something I have been thoroughly intentional about…I do not want my daughter to feel guilt at seeing her dad or spending time with her dad. Divorce is hard enough on a kid; there is no need for a parent to layer their own guilt on top of an already challenging situation for a child.

I also have felt anger towards my ex-husband. We were in an amicable co-parenting place before he allowed another woman to move in and run the show and our co-parenting relationship has taken a hit as a result. I would have loved for an invitation to have been extended to me to spend at least a few hours together with our daughter on this day. But that hasn’t happened. I don’t think it will materialize in the future, so I am left to cope with this reality solely on my own.

I have come to realize that the first holidays feel similarly to the experience of navigating the first year after someone dies. As you approach these days, you realize things have been forever altered. It can be filled with emotional landmines as you grieve the loss of your intact family and any traditions you may have had. I was unpacking Christmas décor and stumbled across a paper mache snowman I bought with my ex on a trip to Mexico City. I smiled at the memory while feeling a pang of sorrow and then promptly threw it in the trash. I hope you do not romanticize the past with your ex, as there was a reason why the two of you got divorced. Although the memory made me smile, I recognize that my life is ultimately far more peaceful and joyful NOW post-divorce then it ever was married. Despite any grief I may feel about this time, I know in my heart I made the absolute right decision for myself. I was invited to friends, and while I appreciated the generous offer, I declined it, as I wanted to allow myself space to grieve and navigate this new normal on my own.

Let’s not also forget the positives too. It is a time for you to CREATE new traditions on those holidays you DO have you child. My kid is old enough now for us to bake Christmas cookies together. I love baking and want to involve her in a new tradition where we make Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. Although not new, we adopt local kids from our Boys and Girls Club because I want her to realize there are kids in this world that have socks, underwear or a winter coat on their wish list for Christmas. Despite the difficult journey our family has gone through, we still are very fortunate. I want her to see the holiday is not all about receiving; it is about giving. It is about helping where you can to make your community and world a better place. And it’s an opportunity for you personally, dear one. I decided to see a movie later today by myself. I booked the ticket last night and am looking forward to movie theater popcorn later! While I am not cooking a full on Thanksgiving dinner for myself, I did get from the store certain holiday foods I love (stuffing, pumpkin pie. etc.) and plan to cook them later. It is not all sadness and grieving; there are some hopeful, joyful moments during this time.

If you are going through the holidays post-divorce for the first time like me, my heart goes out to you. My wish is for healing and love to surround you, even in those tough moments. Know that it is not all bad, it will get better, and you will get through it. Be hopeful for your future.