Tag: #sotired

Perfect Timing

Perfect timing for my daughter to get sick. 2-1/2 weeks into a new job. With no manager or director right now. Sigh. Tuesday night we were up half the night with her because she wasn’t feeling well. Poor peanut, I know this is not her fault but shit. What awful timing!  

Yesterday I stayed home from work with her. I tried to do some work when she napped but also wanted to make sure I took good care of her. I was able to still attend a conference call because the husband came home from work. I felt so incredibly guilty when I was working and not taking care of V, and then felt guilty when I was with her and not attending to my work. It’s incredibly exhausting to feel like an octopus juggling all these balls in the air. And the sad fact?  By trying to spread myself so thin I’m not doing any of these things well. At all. 

Last night she still had almost a 103 fever. I felt so bad for her because I knew she was miserable. Poor baby. Even though she woke up with no fever this morning, I still wanted to keep her home for another day. 

Which meant another morning of trying to juggle. Then rushing off to work for an afternoon filled with meetings and trainings. Sigh. These are days that I wish I could clone myself. 

A Savage Fight

A Savage Fight

I feel hungover this morning but not from alcohol. From an awful fight last night with the husband. I had put our daughter to bed and come downstairs and he is watching the news, as per usual. A panelist gets done talking and my husband is practically spitting the words “Shut the fuck up you fat, ignorant bastard” at the tv. I had just sat down but immediately got up and walked into the kitchen muttering, “I don’t want to be around THAT energy.”

He seethes at me, “You don’t want this energy?!?  Is that what you said?!?”

“YES!” I hiss at him. I feel my pulse racing and I’m white hot angry at him. Does he not realize I’m exhausted and I just want a little peace and quiet?!?  Does he not realize how much any kind of negativity physically affects me?  

He’s up off the couch and his face is all twisted in rage. “So it’s OK for you to be in a shitty mood but you don’t want MY energy?!?  WELL FUCK OFF THEN!”

He spins on his heel and leaves the room which I fucking hate. It’s so dismissive. I call after him and he returns. The fighting continues up until the point where he threw something across the room and I screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

Wait, how did we go from 0-1000 in like 5 seconds?!?  

He leaves. I’m shaking in anger. Then the sadness sets in and my body is wracked with sobs. I continue to get ready for bed because I still have to get up at 5am and I honestly have no idea if he’s coming back or not. 

How did we get here?  How are we at the point that we are screaming at each other over an insignificant news show?  What is going on with is?  Who have we become?

I have no answers. I lay in bed, shaking still. I don’t know if it’s leftover adrenaline or I’m just cold. I feel like I could throw up.  I won’t be sleeping anytime soon.

I text a simple “I’m sorry” to him. No response. I wait 15 minutes and then call. I’m  surprised when he picks up. “Two questions:  are you safe?” I ask quietly into the phone. Despite the fight, he’s still my best friend, my partner, the father of my child. 

“Yes.”

“Are you going to come home?”  I almost whisper. His anger seems gone but I’m scared to risk either one of us blowing up again. 

“Yes. Are you still mad?” He asks me. 

“No. Are you still mad?” I inquire while holding my breath for his response. 

“No.  I’m coming home.”

“Ok.”

He got home and we sat in the dark side by side talking. Trying to figure out what is going on. Trying to figure out how to fix our relationship. How to stop hurting one another. 

We talk about some ideas but there’s a sadness in both of us. I cry on and off. Bottom line we are struggling because we don’t have a village. No family here.  No real close friends that we can rely on. No one to help with the big job of parenting. No one to give us a break. We can’t be everything to each. It’s not possible and not healthy. We both chuckle as we agree that our dog is always there for us. At least we can agree on one thing. 

We head to bed, not because we’ve resolved anything, but because we are both exhausted and need rest before any more sleep is lost. 

Maybe today will be a better day.  Today is a new day. 

What No One Told Me…About Sleep After Kids

What No One Told Me…About Sleep After Kids

My first post!  I started this blog to have a space for myself to share things that no one told me about life, kids, marriage, family, career, etc.  Every day I discover something new and know that I can’t be alone.  I’m hoping to connect with other souls who are making shit up as they go, as I am, on this journey called life.

I start today’s post with extreme exhaustion.  My toddler daughter slept for total shit last night, so what does that mean?  That momma also slept for total shit last night.  She has molars coming in and I think that is part of the problem, but damn.  I was awake with her for most of the night and the only solid sleep I got was from 3:30AM until around 6AM.  I’m so tired that I feel fragile today, as though the smallest inconvenience or disturbance could send me into hysterical sobs.

My daughter is almost 2-1/2 and one of the things no one tells you about sleep and parenting is just how much your sleep gets interrupted.  You expect it when they are newborns, but you assume at some point, that they will consistently sleep through the night.  That’s what you are told by most people anyway.  Or what you try to tell yourself in those early morning hours when even the birds are asleep.  She has had fits and spurts of sleeping through the night, but it’s not consistent.  I’m going on 2-1/2 years of sleep deprivation, where some nights I’m lucky to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

This is a part of parenting I find especially challenging, trying to function on little or fragmented sleep.  Like today, I feel physically sick and my head feels like it’s going to explode at any moment.  Today is one of those days where there isn’t enough coffee in the world that could save me.  I’m just going to try to hold on and hope that I hold it together until bedtime tonight.