Tag: #dating

Longing for Connection

I feel very lonely these days and am longing for some kind of connection. Monday I was supposed to meet someone from a dating app for lunch and he bailed on me without much of an explanation. At least I was not ghosted, and am thankful for that. While I’m trying not to personalize it, I do keep thinking to myself, “when is it gonna be my turn?” I long to be held, touched, caressed, kissed, loved. I want to feel desired by another human being. I want to be genuinely loved by another human being. Yesterday I was on different dating apps looking (ahem…forcing) some kind of connection. I worry I will never really be deeply loved in this lifetime. My soul really aches to feel a deep love. I am struggling to get out of this woe is me attitude in regards to love and connection.

I realized yesterday in some of the conversations I need to be more honest about what I’m looking for and what I want. While I do want passionate sex and exploration, I want that with a committed partnership or relationship. There is absolutely nothing casual about me. I’m looking for a partner that is strong enough to hold me, take care of me financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually (not that they have to…but someone who wants to), someone willing to do deep healing work together. Someone I know without question I can trust and rely on…who will be there for me no matter what. Someone I can laugh with. Someone unafraid of partnership and vulnerability. Someone who will hold and comfort me as I cry. Someone who wants to be my roller coaster buddy on this wild ride called life.

Despite feeling lonely these days, I remain stupidly hopeful. It’s a characteristic I both love and sometimes despise about myself.

Feeling Overwhelmed

As I type this out, I have six stitches in my arm from an excision surgery last week. Not only did I have a uterine biopsy in October, I also had a skin biopsy that resulted in this surgery. So for those of you who don’t want to do the math: I’ve had 3 biopsies now in roughly 6 weeks. The surgery was a few days ago and while it appears to be healing fine, I wish I could say the same for my mental health. Yet again waiting on pathology report to help me know whether any further action is needed. If you have never had to play the waiting game of “is it cancer or not?” lemme tell you, it is a fun one <insert heavy sarcasm>.

I have been on a mission to get up-to-date on home inspection and repair stuff since this home is now approaching 22 years old. And the wasband (i.e. ex-husband LOL) didn’t do any of this shit (I would have known because I managed our finances while married). I have had dryer vents cleaned, trees trimmed away from the house (no more critters in my attic please!), chimney inspected and cleaned, and this week was to have the HVAC units inspected. I had suspected the HVAC units were original to the house…and as it turns out, I was right. Since this house has 2 units (one in the attic and one in the basement), I am looking at roughly $15k-$20k to replace them. The technician told me they are safe for now, but it’s all basically a house of cards at this point, because the furnaces have basically passed their average lifespan. The good news? That total cost is both the furnaces AND the A/C units, so it’s doing it all at once. The bad news? I dunno about you, but I don’t know any elder Millennial or Xennial that has an extra $20k just laying around. I’ve spent this entire weekend agonizing about how to finance this amount of money. How I can work it into my budget. If I replace one unit at a time or just do the whole schebang at once. I think I have a plan devised, but am fraught with worry about making sure I pay this off and don’t get myself into a financial bind. I am so grateful to my bestie, who is a whiz with finance and budgeting, and am running my plan by her to make sure it is sound. If there are any holes in the plan, she will find them.

To add to that fun of financial worry, our Chief Human Resource Officer at my job sent out a memo about hiring for 2024 that seemed pretty bleak. More or less no new roles will be added in 2024 (that wasn’t already budgeted for) without his express approval. Every single role. Seems excessive right? There’s also talk the new CEO wants to look at cost cutting measures so he will look good to the board. So yay to uncertainty there. While I don’t think I may get laid off, I don’t know for sure, and come up with contingency plans because nothing would surprise me. Having been laid off from Corporate America previously I don’t put stock in anything anyone says about whether my job is safe or not.

And last, but certainly not least, I had been texting with someone for a few weeks off a dating app that seemed promising. We hadn’t met up for a date yet because we are both divorced with kids and it’s been hectic trying to find free time on already packed holiday schedules. I had this niggling feeling this week that I am still over-giving, being the one to initiate all too often as that has been my historical role in relationships. I am an anxious cutie (I like the term Therapy Jeff has coined!) and know I have the tendency to fill in communication gaps myself because it makes me uncomfortable and to get validation they do in fact still like me. Well, the last time we texted was on Thursday and I was the last person to send communication…and I haven’t heard from him since. Admittedly, I am a bit bummed, because I was genuinely looking forward to meeting him but I don’t want to be with someone where there isn’t a more equal exchange of effort. And looking back through text messages, I told him I skew anxious and that if there will be communication gaps, it’s helpful to me if he’s proactive in letting me know. I even told him consistency and effort are key things I look for. <insert sigh here> This has been probably the first time in my life where I am able to observe this and actually find the inconsistency unattractive, instead of me wanting to try harder to convince him why he should like me.

All of this has felt heavy on my shoulders this week, and although I have a good support system of friends and family, I still feel alone in dealing with all this. Plus I have been feeling lonely for awhile now. Going on year 3 of living separate, almost a year and a half of being divorced, plus being lonely for years in my marriage, I have had the thought of “when is it my turn?” I know that is a completely human reaction and I’m trying to have compassion and sympathy for myself in this moment. Beating myself up or trying to toughen up isn’t going to help…in fact, it’s only going to make me feel more like shit than I already do.

Here I sit in the overwhelm, acknowledging and holding space for these feelings as best I can. Ultimately I trust I will be able to figure this all out, because up until this point in my life, I’ve been able to successfully figure everything out. I trust that future me has got this and know the rain and storms I’m currently in cannot last forever. Things will eventually get better. I’m trusting in that thought today to keep me going.

Playing the Feeld

No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!

The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!

In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!

What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.

Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.

What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉

The Fun (and Perils!) of Online Dating

I am dipping my toes back into the world of (online) dating after my divorce. It has been interesting to say the least! I have had several good times, too many laughs to count, and a few WTF moments to share with you. It has been nearly 20 years since I have “dated” and things have changed, including me.

First and foremost, can someone help me understand why ghosting is happening with people in their late 30’s and 40’s? Last time I checked I thought we were all adults! I saw a Tiktok that cracked me up because she said if you ghost someone as a person in your 40’s, I am going to wonder if it is ghosting or you had a heart attack and died! LOL This happened to me with a match I had. Things were going fairly well IMHO. We had seen each other multiple times and were texting daily over the course of several months. I cannot tell you how hurt I was when the ghosting happened. I had no closure. I was left holding the bag, wondering what went wrong. Replaying our time together in my head, wondering where I had somehow missed a sign? What I deserved, and would have appreciated, was some communication things had changed, or wasn’t working out. That could have been a simple text message. Something, anything instead of just *poof* disappearing. On the positive end, for those I have matched with and not felt a connection or wanted to pursue things, I have been honest with them. Clear communication is kind. I don’t ghost, because I would never want someone to feel the way I felt in that moment. I wish more people would be considerate of others’ feelings. It is not easy for anyone to put themselves out there, man or woman, and no one likes being rejected. But a rejection is far better than being ghosted.

Lately I have been gobsmacked at some of the things I have seen with online dating. First and foremost, I am convinced most men do not know how to hold a conversation. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of times the conversation fizzled out because I was not asked a single question about myself…and I refused to keep the conversation going by being the only one to ask questions and be curious. This morning I matched with someone who was handsome and he messaged me to tell me that he had just gotten back from the gym, and he has to wear two pairs of bike shorts….and was that OK?!? I played dumb and asked, “Was what ok?” To which he proceeded to tell me how BIG he is and if I would be OK that he was so incredibly large. First of all, um, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, you are THAT huge. Secondly, this was in the first 3 messages he sent me after we matched. Huh? What? You’re leading with your cock size in this initial conversation?!? Is that all you have to offer?!? The smartass in me wanted to message him and say “Prove it!” but I told him it was an unappealing lead in and he ended the conversation. LOL I mean, I understand some people are only looking to hookup or be solely FWB, which is fine, but at least be upfront in your profile or what you are looking for.

I had another guy I was talking to send me a picture of another woman and then mentioned something about a date. Um, ok?!? Listen my guy, I am a mid-40’s woman who is divorced…if you are trying to make me jealous by letting me know you have options, I hate to break it to you but your approach just backfired. While I would love to find someone to date and go on adventures with, I do not need you in my life. So if your plan is to “make me jealous” in order to get my attention, I am wholly uninterested.

I had a few times where dates were arranged and then fell apart at the last minute. One guy changed the meeting time of our date, and the place we were supposed to meet at was closing within 30 minutes of us getting there. I asked him if he had suggestions for an alternative place or if he wanted to reschedule and his reply was, “I understand if you have changed your mind about meeting me.” Ummmmmmm, WTF?! When I told him that wasn’t what I said he stopped responding to my text messages. I silently thanked the Universe for screening him out for me. Another guy I had to reschedule our initial date because I wasn’t feeling well, and he told me he would get back to me with options for where to meet. This was a week before our date. He did not reach out until the afternoon of the day of our date. I told him I didn’t think it was happening since the ball was in his court to send me places and he never did. He told me I could have reminded him. No thank you sir! Last time I checked, I thought you were a grown ass adult. If you need me to REMIND you we have a date and for you to make plans, this does not bode well for any kind of future. I already have a child and am not looking to manage a man-child as part of my next relationship. That was part of the reason I got divorced. No one is attracted to someone they have to mother or be a parent to.

There have been some positive moments, along with some disappointing ones as well. I know this is part of life. Despite some of the letdowns and challenges I remain hopeful to meet someone I am compatible with and who will add to my life. Some days are more hopeful than others. This morning I am not that optimistic. I texted my bestie and asked her to remind me why I am doing this again. SIGH Until that happens, I will continue to share my comedy dating stories so everyone can have a few laughs.