I feel very lonely these days and am longing for some kind of connection. Monday I was supposed to meet someone from a dating app for lunch and he bailed on me without much of an explanation. At least I was not ghosted, and am thankful for that. While I’m trying not to personalize it, I do keep thinking to myself, “when is it gonna be my turn?” I long to be held, touched, caressed, kissed, loved. I want to feel desired by another human being. I want to be genuinely loved by another human being. Yesterday I was on different dating apps looking (ahem…forcing) some kind of connection. I worry I will never really be deeply loved in this lifetime. My soul really aches to feel a deep love. I am struggling to get out of this woe is me attitude in regards to love and connection.

I realized yesterday in some of the conversations I need to be more honest about what I’m looking for and what I want. While I do want passionate sex and exploration, I want that with a committed partnership or relationship. There is absolutely nothing casual about me. I’m looking for a partner that is strong enough to hold me, take care of me financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually (not that they have to…but someone who wants to), someone willing to do deep healing work together. Someone I know without question I can trust and rely on…who will be there for me no matter what. Someone I can laugh with. Someone unafraid of partnership and vulnerability. Someone who will hold and comfort me as I cry. Someone who wants to be my roller coaster buddy on this wild ride called life.

Despite feeling lonely these days, I remain stupidly hopeful. It’s a characteristic I both love and sometimes despise about myself.