Tag: #lonely

Running Away…for Girls Night Out

I’m running away tonight.  At least that’s how I feel right now.  I can’t get out of the house fast enough.  I’m meeting a friend/former colleague for dinner tonight and am so geeked to finally catch up with her!  We have a lot in common and have similar life situations, and find ourselves chatting up every topic under the sun.

I feel furiously angry at the moment, and I’m sitting alone in our bedroom while husband has the kiddo at the playground, trying to process my fucking rage.  He was on a business trip this past week.  Left last Sunday, and he got home Friday night around 6PM…just in time for him to change into the costume I laid out for him for a friend’s birthday / Halloween party.  I’ve managed the household by myself this entire week, which included 2 days of offsite workshops for MY job, which resulted in 3 hour round trip commutes those 2 days (the norm is less than an hour).

He’s been gone all week, barely got home in time for us to head out the door and go somewhere else.  He’s had to do none of the work related to our family.  No uninterrupted sleep because the kiddo woke up crying or the dog decided to make you his pillow at 3AM.  No litany of chores to do before even walking out the door to go to work.  Then heading into a job that is so ambiguously vague and with a boss who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, just to up the anxiety and frustration levels I was already feeling at home.  I sobbed Tuesday morning before work, because I was tired and felt like I was running on fumes, and was trying to figure out how mentally I was going to make it through another shitty day.

We had a great time last night, but I feel like it all dissolved this morning.  Our child woke up at 5:30AM.  When I saw the monitor, she already had her bedroom light on and had toys out and was playing.  No going back to sleep for mom.  My hubby ended up sleeping until almost 9AM.  This afternoon he left 20 minutes before she woke up from her nap (both her and I were asleep), and was gone almost 2 hours running errands all by himself.

He couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to take our kid and the dog for a walk by myself, without him.  I suggested a family walk and he agreed, but then said he had to poop.  I sighed in frustration, because the family walk would have to wait until his leisurely shit was done.  He jumped down my throat about how he can’t even take a poop without me getting pissed.

It’s not that.  It’s not the poop itself, it’s the cumulative pile of shit.  It’s the build up of frustration of me having no one to tap out to all week, and then continuing more of the same over the weekend.  When I thought it’d be my turn to get a break.  When I thought him coming home would bring some kind of relief.

What I really wanted was for him to say, “Let me get up with her since you’ve been holding down the fort all week.”  All I heard was his snoring beside me as I got out of bed.  All I wanted was for him to ask, “How can I help you unwind after this week?”  All I wanted for him was to think of me and how he could help relieve some of my frustration or irritation.  What I wanted is a little bit of the reprieve he had this week, being on his own.  I wanted a little bit of equality.

So yes, I’m totally fucking running away tonight.  Even got my running shoes on.

Pick Myself Up

We are at the park. It’s a beautiful day. I feel incapable of joy. Or any positive emotion. I want to cry, almost all the time. I know my husband is frustrated with me. I see how he looks at me, disgusted at times. He’s even referred to me “poor you” when he’s really angry with me. I know I’m impacting him. I don’t sleep very well at night. I look around at all these happy families and think, “Why can’t that be me?”  The tears spill down my cheeks. Even my dog isn’t sitting by me. He’d much rather explore the park. 

Every day feels like an uphill climb for me. I’m not just on the struggle bus; I’m driving that bitch. Have been for awhile. 

I’m in therapy. Work out regularly. Keep a gratitude journal. Eat right. Try to get enough sleep. Am trying to find a psychiatrist to get me on a medication that may help. This sadness overwhelms all my efforts. I hate feeling this way. 

I want something different for my life, my legacy. I don’t want this endless trail of sadness to follow me. Yet I don’t know how to pick myself up. 

A Savage Fight

A Savage Fight

I feel hungover this morning but not from alcohol. From an awful fight last night with the husband. I had put our daughter to bed and come downstairs and he is watching the news, as per usual. A panelist gets done talking and my husband is practically spitting the words “Shut the fuck up you fat, ignorant bastard” at the tv. I had just sat down but immediately got up and walked into the kitchen muttering, “I don’t want to be around THAT energy.”

He seethes at me, “You don’t want this energy?!?  Is that what you said?!?”

“YES!” I hiss at him. I feel my pulse racing and I’m white hot angry at him. Does he not realize I’m exhausted and I just want a little peace and quiet?!?  Does he not realize how much any kind of negativity physically affects me?  

He’s up off the couch and his face is all twisted in rage. “So it’s OK for you to be in a shitty mood but you don’t want MY energy?!?  WELL FUCK OFF THEN!”

He spins on his heel and leaves the room which I fucking hate. It’s so dismissive. I call after him and he returns. The fighting continues up until the point where he threw something across the room and I screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

Wait, how did we go from 0-1000 in like 5 seconds?!?  

He leaves. I’m shaking in anger. Then the sadness sets in and my body is wracked with sobs. I continue to get ready for bed because I still have to get up at 5am and I honestly have no idea if he’s coming back or not. 

How did we get here?  How are we at the point that we are screaming at each other over an insignificant news show?  What is going on with is?  Who have we become?

I have no answers. I lay in bed, shaking still. I don’t know if it’s leftover adrenaline or I’m just cold. I feel like I could throw up.  I won’t be sleeping anytime soon.

I text a simple “I’m sorry” to him. No response. I wait 15 minutes and then call. I’m  surprised when he picks up. “Two questions:  are you safe?” I ask quietly into the phone. Despite the fight, he’s still my best friend, my partner, the father of my child. 

“Yes.”

“Are you going to come home?”  I almost whisper. His anger seems gone but I’m scared to risk either one of us blowing up again. 

“Yes. Are you still mad?” He asks me. 

“No. Are you still mad?” I inquire while holding my breath for his response. 

“No.  I’m coming home.”

“Ok.”

He got home and we sat in the dark side by side talking. Trying to figure out what is going on. Trying to figure out how to fix our relationship. How to stop hurting one another. 

We talk about some ideas but there’s a sadness in both of us. I cry on and off. Bottom line we are struggling because we don’t have a village. No family here.  No real close friends that we can rely on. No one to help with the big job of parenting. No one to give us a break. We can’t be everything to each. It’s not possible and not healthy. We both chuckle as we agree that our dog is always there for us. At least we can agree on one thing. 

We head to bed, not because we’ve resolved anything, but because we are both exhausted and need rest before any more sleep is lost. 

Maybe today will be a better day.  Today is a new day.