Mother’s Day

I should feel happy. But I don’t. I should feel grateful. But I don’t. I feel an incredibly overwhelming sadness right now. Sadness that neither my husband or I having any family that we are close to. For not really having much of a family to offer our daughter. I’m mad at myself that I don’t feel more grateful. More loved. More happiness. I cried in the shower this morning. I’m sitting in a red polka-dotted towel still crying. I can’t seem to shake this melancholy.

My husband asked me what I wanted to do today. I can’t even come up with any kind of answer. I whispered “I don’t know” while holding back another round of tears.

All I see is responsibility. Dishes to be done. Laundry to be folded. Meals to be made. House to be cleaned. Diapers to be changed. Dog to be walked. The list is endless. Where does that leave room for fun? For me?

I’m so tired of the endless sadness.

“Team” Building

In an attempt to engage the team (?) today, a colleague sent out an email of a video. It was from a motion activated camera from her property of a coyote taking a dead squirrel off camera. This resulted in a flurry of responses from our team including our manager who said: “Well, you leave us the mystery of how the squirrel died…”. Ordinarily most of our team doesn’t interact with one another but apparently dead animals is a uniter!!!!!

What in the actual fuck. What. The. Fuck. Is this really my life?!?

I wish I was making this up.

I believe this helps to explain exactly why I’m currently looking for a new job.

Don’t believe me? I took a pic from the video.

I’m done for the day. Dunno how you top a coyote and a dead squirrel.

Taking a Risk

I’ve struggled to make friends since moving to Atlanta in 2013. In LA, I had a close group of girlfriends that were my people. We regularly hung out, explored new things around LA and had each other over for dinner. It was a close group of women that I knew had my back no matter what. I miss that comraderie very much.

I don’t know if it’s been because of my work environments or the area or what but the problem has been that any women friends I’ve gotten to know are either 1) younger than me and don’t have kids yet or 2) they are older than me and their kids are in high school or college (or they don’t have kids). I’ve also seen a lot of what I like to call “Southern Belle” syndrome where everything is just great. So great. Motherhood is to be enjoyed every single second. Their marriage is perfect. I don’t know about you but my life feels really messy. I want someone that can share with me honestly saying “I feel like a hot fucking mess right now” versus telling me how perfect their life is. Those are the kinds of women friendships I want. Honest. Candid. Hysterical. Someone you can laugh with through whatever is going on, good or bad.

And to that end, since I haven’t been able to find my tribe, I’m trying another approach. I created a Meetup group today where I’m looking to connect with other moms. I’ve created the first three meetups and after obsessively checking the Meetup group all day, there is still just 1 member: me. I’m scared I will put myself out there and I won’t have any takers. Ever. That I won’t find my people again. But even if that happens at least I can say I tried right?!?

I’m putting myself out there with good intentions and hope that the universe supports me and helps deliver some new friends.

Wish me luck.

A Savage Fight

I feel hungover this morning but not from alcohol. From an awful fight last night with the husband. I had put our daughter to bed and come downstairs and he is watching the news, as per usual. A panelist gets done talking and my husband is practically spitting the words “Shut the fuck up you fat, ignorant bastard” at the tv. I had just sat down but immediately got up and walked into the kitchen muttering, “I don’t want to be around THAT energy.”

He seethes at me, “You don’t want this energy?!? Is that what you said?!?”

“YES!” I hiss at him. I feel my pulse racing and I’m white hot angry at him. Does he not realize I’m exhausted and I just want a little peace and quiet?!? Does he not realize how much any kind of negativity physically affects me?

He’s up off the couch and his face is all twisted in rage. “So it’s OK for you to be in a shitty mood but you don’t want MY energy?!? WELL FUCK OFF THEN!”

He spins on his heel and leaves the room which I fucking hate. It’s so dismissive. I call after him and he returns. The fighting continues up until the point where he threw something across the room and I screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

Wait, how did we go from 0-1000 in like 5 seconds?!?

He leaves. I’m shaking in anger. Then the sadness sets in and my body is wracked with sobs. I continue to get ready for bed because I still have to get up at 5am and I honestly have no idea if he’s coming back or not.

How did we get here? How are we at the point that we are screaming at each other over an insignificant news show? What is going on with is? Who have we become?

I have no answers. I lay in bed, shaking still. I don’t know if it’s leftover adrenaline or I’m just cold. I feel like I could throw up. I won’t be sleeping anytime soon.

I text a simple “I’m sorry” to him. No response. I wait 15 minutes and then call. I’m surprised when he picks up. “Two questions: are you safe?” I ask quietly into the phone. Despite the fight, he’s still my best friend, my partner, the father of my child.

“Yes.”

“Are you going to come home?” I almost whisper. His anger seems gone but I’m scared to risk either one of us blowing up again.

“Yes. Are you still mad?” He asks me.

“No. Are you still mad?” I inquire while holding my breath for his response.

“No. I’m coming home.”

“Ok.”

He got home and we sat in the dark side by side talking. Trying to figure out what is going on. Trying to figure out how to fix our relationship. How to stop hurting one another.

We talk about some ideas but there’s a sadness in both of us. I cry on and off. Bottom line we are struggling because we don’t have a village. No family here. No real close friends that we can rely on. No one to help with the big job of parenting. No one to give us a break. We can’t be everything to each. It’s not possible and not healthy. We both chuckle as we agree that our dog is always there for us. At least we can agree on one thing.

We head to bed, not because we’ve resolved anything, but because we are both exhausted and need rest before any more sleep is lost.

Maybe today will be a better day. Today is a new day.