Category: Relationships

Longing for Connection

I feel very lonely these days and am longing for some kind of connection. Monday I was supposed to meet someone from a dating app for lunch and he bailed on me without much of an explanation. At least I was not ghosted, and am thankful for that. While I’m trying not to personalize it, I do keep thinking to myself, “when is it gonna be my turn?” I long to be held, touched, caressed, kissed, loved. I want to feel desired by another human being. I want to be genuinely loved by another human being. Yesterday I was on different dating apps looking (ahem…forcing) some kind of connection. I worry I will never really be deeply loved in this lifetime. My soul really aches to feel a deep love. I am struggling to get out of this woe is me attitude in regards to love and connection.

I realized yesterday in some of the conversations I need to be more honest about what I’m looking for and what I want. While I do want passionate sex and exploration, I want that with a committed partnership or relationship. There is absolutely nothing casual about me. I’m looking for a partner that is strong enough to hold me, take care of me financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually (not that they have to…but someone who wants to), someone willing to do deep healing work together. Someone I know without question I can trust and rely on…who will be there for me no matter what. Someone I can laugh with. Someone unafraid of partnership and vulnerability. Someone who will hold and comfort me as I cry. Someone who wants to be my roller coaster buddy on this wild ride called life.

Despite feeling lonely these days, I remain stupidly hopeful. It’s a characteristic I both love and sometimes despise about myself.

What I Desire

Random, funny texts.
Hugs that linger.
A knowing smile.
Flowers for no reason.
Being the little spoon. Or the big spoon.
Cuddles by a warm fire.
A relaxing foot massage.
Being curled comfortably in your lap.
Holding hands on a walk.
Being kissed awake.
Long talks about anything and everything.
A shared joke.
Getting my head rubbed.
Morning coffee in bed.
Your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine.
Being pressed against you.
Ecstasy.
Pleasure.
Desire.
Release.

Alone in a Storm

I’m lying in bed, tangled up in the sheets.
The windows are flung wide open.
I hear and see the wind whipping the trees in a frenzy.
The smell of fresh rain intoxicates me.
The low rumble of thunder begins its crescendo.
I remember the conversation with you about this very topic.
The sheer delight of a good thunderstorm.
Laying in bed as the storm approaches.
Enjoying and appreciating nature’s fury.
I roll to the side and close my eyes.
I try to imagine the feel of your warm body curled up behind me.
Your strong arm tucking me against you.
Holding me tight.
Kisses on my neck.
My eyes flutter open from a loud crack of thunder.
I groan, both from reminiscing and the longing.
The realization sets in.
I am alone in a storm.
I sigh and think to myself, “Maybe someday soon”.
I miss you.

Playing the Feeld

No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!

The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!

In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!

What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.

Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.

What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉