As I type this out, I have six stitches in my arm from an excision surgery last week. Not only did I have a uterine biopsy in October, I also had a skin biopsy that resulted in this surgery. So for those of you who don’t want to do the math: I’ve had 3 biopsies now in roughly 6 weeks. The surgery was a few days ago and while it appears to be healing fine, I wish I could say the same for my mental health. Yet again waiting on pathology report to help me know whether any further action is needed. If you have never had to play the waiting game of “is it cancer or not?” lemme tell you, it is a fun one <insert heavy sarcasm>.

I have been on a mission to get up-to-date on home inspection and repair stuff since this home is now approaching 22 years old. And the wasband (i.e. ex-husband LOL) didn’t do any of this shit (I would have known because I managed our finances while married). I have had dryer vents cleaned, trees trimmed away from the house (no more critters in my attic please!), chimney inspected and cleaned, and this week was to have the HVAC units inspected. I had suspected the HVAC units were original to the house…and as it turns out, I was right. Since this house has 2 units (one in the attic and one in the basement), I am looking at roughly $15k-$20k to replace them. The technician told me they are safe for now, but it’s all basically a house of cards at this point, because the furnaces have basically passed their average lifespan. The good news? That total cost is both the furnaces AND the A/C units, so it’s doing it all at once. The bad news? I dunno about you, but I don’t know any elder Millennial or Xennial that has an extra $20k just laying around. I’ve spent this entire weekend agonizing about how to finance this amount of money. How I can work it into my budget. If I replace one unit at a time or just do the whole schebang at once. I think I have a plan devised, but am fraught with worry about making sure I pay this off and don’t get myself into a financial bind. I am so grateful to my bestie, who is a whiz with finance and budgeting, and am running my plan by her to make sure it is sound. If there are any holes in the plan, she will find them.

To add to that fun of financial worry, our Chief Human Resource Officer at my job sent out a memo about hiring for 2024 that seemed pretty bleak. More or less no new roles will be added in 2024 (that wasn’t already budgeted for) without his express approval. Every single role. Seems excessive right? There’s also talk the new CEO wants to look at cost cutting measures so he will look good to the board. So yay to uncertainty there. While I don’t think I may get laid off, I don’t know for sure, and come up with contingency plans because nothing would surprise me. Having been laid off from Corporate America previously I don’t put stock in anything anyone says about whether my job is safe or not.

And last, but certainly not least, I had been texting with someone for a few weeks off a dating app that seemed promising. We hadn’t met up for a date yet because we are both divorced with kids and it’s been hectic trying to find free time on already packed holiday schedules. I had this niggling feeling this week that I am still over-giving, being the one to initiate all too often as that has been my historical role in relationships. I am an anxious cutie (I like the term Therapy Jeff has coined!) and know I have the tendency to fill in communication gaps myself because it makes me uncomfortable and to get validation they do in fact still like me. Well, the last time we texted was on Thursday and I was the last person to send communication…and I haven’t heard from him since. Admittedly, I am a bit bummed, because I was genuinely looking forward to meeting him but I don’t want to be with someone where there isn’t a more equal exchange of effort. And looking back through text messages, I told him I skew anxious and that if there will be communication gaps, it’s helpful to me if he’s proactive in letting me know. I even told him consistency and effort are key things I look for. <insert sigh here> This has been probably the first time in my life where I am able to observe this and actually find the inconsistency unattractive, instead of me wanting to try harder to convince him why he should like me.

All of this has felt heavy on my shoulders this week, and although I have a good support system of friends and family, I still feel alone in dealing with all this. Plus I have been feeling lonely for awhile now. Going on year 3 of living separate, almost a year and a half of being divorced, plus being lonely for years in my marriage, I have had the thought of “when is it my turn?” I know that is a completely human reaction and I’m trying to have compassion and sympathy for myself in this moment. Beating myself up or trying to toughen up isn’t going to help…in fact, it’s only going to make me feel more like shit than I already do.

Here I sit in the overwhelm, acknowledging and holding space for these feelings as best I can. Ultimately I trust I will be able to figure this all out, because up until this point in my life, I’ve been able to successfully figure everything out. I trust that future me has got this and know the rain and storms I’m currently in cannot last forever. Things will eventually get better. I’m trusting in that thought today to keep me going.