Tag: #grateful

The First Holidays After Divorce

I am sitting alone on Thanksgiving morning with the dog, drinking a cup of coffee and reflecting on the fact this is the first Thanksgiving without my daughter. The way our parenting plan and schedule worked out this year I won’t be with my daughter on Halloween, Thanksgiving, her actual birthday, and Christmas Eve & Christmas morning. Needless to say, the holidays have hit differently for me this year.

I have had a multitude of feelings about spending some of my first holidays alone post-divorce. First and foremost, I am sad, but I get this was a natural consequence. It wasn’t unexpected in that way. It has been hard fielding questions about how my daughter liked Halloween or how she dressed up (I dunno because I wasn’t there) or what my plans are for Thanksgiving. This whole experience has also given me the ability to understand how my mom felt when we went to our dad’s for the holidays. It’s a bit different, since we only saw my dad on holidays & weekends, but I recognize the sameness of our situations in spending holidays alone. I do have compassion for her experience, as this is not an easy time to navigate, but also disappointment in that she guilt tripped us and made us feel bad for seeing our other parent. That is something I have been thoroughly intentional about…I do not want my daughter to feel guilt at seeing her dad or spending time with her dad. Divorce is hard enough on a kid; there is no need for a parent to layer their own guilt on top of an already challenging situation for a child.

I also have felt anger towards my ex-husband. We were in an amicable co-parenting place before he allowed another woman to move in and run the show and our co-parenting relationship has taken a hit as a result. I would have loved for an invitation to have been extended to me to spend at least a few hours together with our daughter on this day. But that hasn’t happened. I don’t think it will materialize in the future, so I am left to cope with this reality solely on my own.

I have come to realize that the first holidays feel similarly to the experience of navigating the first year after someone dies. As you approach these days, you realize things have been forever altered. It can be filled with emotional landmines as you grieve the loss of your intact family and any traditions you may have had. I was unpacking Christmas décor and stumbled across a paper mache snowman I bought with my ex on a trip to Mexico City. I smiled at the memory while feeling a pang of sorrow and then promptly threw it in the trash. I hope you do not romanticize the past with your ex, as there was a reason why the two of you got divorced. Although the memory made me smile, I recognize that my life is ultimately far more peaceful and joyful NOW post-divorce then it ever was married. Despite any grief I may feel about this time, I know in my heart I made the absolute right decision for myself. I was invited to friends, and while I appreciated the generous offer, I declined it, as I wanted to allow myself space to grieve and navigate this new normal on my own.

Let’s not also forget the positives too. It is a time for you to CREATE new traditions on those holidays you DO have you child. My kid is old enough now for us to bake Christmas cookies together. I love baking and want to involve her in a new tradition where we make Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. Although not new, we adopt local kids from our Boys and Girls Club because I want her to realize there are kids in this world that have socks, underwear or a winter coat on their wish list for Christmas. Despite the difficult journey our family has gone through, we still are very fortunate. I want her to see the holiday is not all about receiving; it is about giving. It is about helping where you can to make your community and world a better place. And it’s an opportunity for you personally, dear one. I decided to see a movie later today by myself. I booked the ticket last night and am looking forward to movie theater popcorn later! While I am not cooking a full on Thanksgiving dinner for myself, I did get from the store certain holiday foods I love (stuffing, pumpkin pie. etc.) and plan to cook them later. It is not all sadness and grieving; there are some hopeful, joyful moments during this time.

If you are going through the holidays post-divorce for the first time like me, my heart goes out to you. My wish is for healing and love to surround you, even in those tough moments. Know that it is not all bad, it will get better, and you will get through it. Be hopeful for your future.

A Pristine Fall Day

The sunlight shines down brightly on me, warming my body from the inside out. The path around the lake is littered with leaves and crunches underneath my feet. I take a moment to breathe in deeply and look around. I spy a bee lazily buzzing around to the remaining flowers, enjoying the last few drops of sweetness before the cold sets in. The wind whips the trees, as a colorful shower of leaves flutters down to the ground at their own pace. A butterfly catches a gust of wind and rides the wave purposefully to her next destination. I breathe in again, smelling the decay of the fallen leaves, thankful for this moment in my day. My life. My season.

The fall season is a perfect analogy for life. Trees lose their leaves, but still manage to survive…and eventually thrive once again. Bees, butterflies, and birds migrate to where life suits them best. The sun doesn’t shine every day, but we know that even on cloudy, rainy, or snowy days, we will emerge and see the sunshine once again. Seasons change, but do not last forever. Things come to an end. Releasing, darkness and rest gives birth to new beginnings.

Today is a pristine fall day for which I am enormously grateful.

The Midnight Hour

My eyes flutter open and you are the first thought on my mind during the midnight hour. I don’t know how you have taken up residence so quickly, but the warmth I feel in my chest and the smile that curls my lips tell me this feels right. As I close my eyes, I splay out in bed to take up more space and am consumed with longing. I replay the last time we were together in my head and sigh as I begin to reminisce.

Your hands gently caressing my body.
Your strong arms wrapped around me.
Your lips, soft and warm first on my shoulder, then my neck, then my lips.
The feeling of safety in your arms.
Our bodies intertwined.
The delight of exploring you.
My desire welling up.
That exquisite feeling of release.

I felt sexy, wild, and uninhibited. Appreciated. Desired. Adored. Free and held at the same time. I don’t know where this is going or what may come of it, but I feel immensely grateful for the experience. If nothing else, you have shown me genuine care, attention, and affection. For someone who questioned if this was even possible any longer, I say thank you. You’ve restored hope in something I feared may have been lost.

And with that thought, I roll over and fall back asleep, happy.

An Emotional Week

This week has been emotional for me. It’s been tough and I’ve been struggling with how to be a friend while trying to make sure I protect myself at the same time.

First of all, my girlfriend whose husband got laid off last month, lost her own job this week. Long story short, she made a not-so-smart move, but had a boss that was looking for any reason to fire her. They have two young children and have zero income now. And since her and I have talked so much about finances, I know they are basically a paycheck-to-paycheck family. When she called to tell me what happened, I felt sick to my stomach, because I immediately began to spin, thinking how they are going to pay for their mortgage, bills, food? What happens when they don’t have insurance and one of them gets sick?

Had lunch with another girlfriend this week and she’s staying at her mom’s this weekend with her two children, in an attempt to give her husband a wake up call. They recently had their 5 year anniversary and he didn’t even get her a card. And in the past month, he got drunk and told her “he needed a break” and has stopped wearing his wedding ring. She fought back tears telling me what was going on and I really felt for her, as she kept saying, “I just want someone to tell me what to do.” Add to that, her mom thinks she somehow contributed to their marriage problems since she lived with them for awhile. In the midst of dealing with her own emotions, she feels obligated to soothe and reassure her mother. Then she has another friend telling her to be careful what you wish for, because she might find something worse out there than what she already has. Not exactly encouraging words for someone who really needs them.

Then on Friday, I checked in on a colleague, whose aunt was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. The initial diagnosis came two months ago, and she was hospitalized this week with breathing problems. The cancer has been pretty aggressive, and her lungs are now filled with tumors, in addition to her spine, other organs, etc. They put her on hospice. My heart was breaking as my colleague told me how her aunt was heavily medicated, but when she would wake up, would yell “Help me!” to those in her room. Even now, typing these words out, my heart feels so heavy for their family. It’s both a blessing and a curse to be there as someone is dying. I know as I watched my dad die from cancer. On one hand, you are thankful for the time and opportunity to say goodbye. On the other, every time you leave, the worry is that it’ll be the last time you see them. Same thing with going to bed that night, even if you’re there. You wonder, “Is this the last goodbye? Will they be here when I wake up?” Then there’s the dread waking up the next morning, as you wait to discover if they are still of this earth or not.

I’ve tried to offer as much support to my girlfriends as I can, and I worry for each of them because I love them so much. The hard part about this though is the feeling of helplessness. I can’t get jobs for my one girlfriend, or help financially support them in any meaningful way. I can’t repair my other girlfriend’s marriage to prevent a divorce. And as much as I’d love to, I can’t wave a magic wand to make my colleague’s aunt’s cancer go away. It’s hard to watch your friends going through difficult times.

But I’ve also been thinking to myself, “Is this what our future holds? Are we prepared if one (or both) of us loses a job? Are we going to end up as a divorced statistic sometime in the future? Are we doing all we can to stay healthy?” We had a job layoff in 2016 (me!) and managed that one OK. But the divorce and cancer parts? I can’t say we are immune to either situation. We’ve had our fair share of problems ourselves and I have a history of cancer in my family.

If I can name one positive, this week has been a reminder to me to be grateful. Thankful for what we have, and that at the moment, we aren’t going through a crises of our own. Life is hard, and the moments without struggle are fleeting.