My eyes flutter open and you are the first thought on my mind during the midnight hour. I don’t know how you have taken up residence so quickly, but the warmth I feel in my chest and the smile that curls my lips tell me this feels right. As I close my eyes, I splay out in bed to take up more space and am consumed with longing. I replay the last time we were together in my head and sigh as I begin to reminisce.
Your hands gently caressing my body. Your strong arms wrapped around me. Your lips, soft and warm first on my shoulder, then my neck, then my lips. The feeling of safety in your arms. Our bodies intertwined. The delight of exploring you. My desire welling up. That exquisite feeling of release.
I felt sexy, wild, and uninhibited. Appreciated. Desired. Adored. Free and held at the same time. I don’t know where this is going or what may come of it, but I feel immensely grateful for the experience. If nothing else, you have shown me genuine care, attention, and affection. For someone who questioned if this was even possible any longer, I say thank you. You’ve restored hope in something I feared may have been lost.
And with that thought, I roll over and fall back asleep, happy.
As of Wednesday of this week, our divorce paperwork has officially been filed with the courts. I have been really emotional these past few days. I have run through almost every emotion imaginable. Joy at finally being at the finish line of this long, arduous, and expensive process. I feel sadness because it is still an ending, regardless of the fact I initiated our divorce. I feel anger sometimes about the insane amount of money I had to shell out this week after signing the settlement agreement. I feel anxious because the clock has officially started ticking on the end of our marriage…and the only thing that may slow it down or stop it is the judge requesting a hearing with us, or some other legal snafu.
Last, but certainly not least, I feel gobsmacked in some ways because I am in utter disbelief that we are actually this close to the finish line. I had days where it seemed as though we’d never get here. That we would never stop fighting about money, or possessions, or whatever other petty bullshit came between the two of us. I am letting myself feel it all. As a result I have done a lot of crying this week. I recognize I am still in a transition phase, and have not yet really embarked on the next part of my journey.
There are still quite a few entanglements between the two of us to unwind. My ex closed on his house today, and will start moving in. That means the pile of his stuff in the garage will finally be gone, as will some of the few remaining items of his around the house. We will be closing out any remaining accounts, severing one of the last ties to each other. We will be signing over ownership of the vehicles to each of us individually. Dividing up our daughter’s toys so that she will have toys and belongings at each house. I will begin the process of having to pay him monthly child support.
We have gotten to a good place in our co-parenting relationship, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. As I look forward to my journey, I am genuinely excited about what the future holds for me. Yes, I am sad my marriage didn’t work out, but I am being afforded an opportunity to write a new story in my 40’s. To redefine what I want for myself and my life. To explore my interests, hobbies, the world, and new relationships with a renewed sense of freedom and curiosity. To not simply exist, but fully show up and live my life. As the picture says, I for sure have no idea where in the hell I am going from here, but I know deep within my soul it will NOT be boring!
At 44, I am tired of hating my body. Or wishing it was smaller or didn’t have cellulite or stretch marks. Or I didn’t have my FUPA. I am so incredibly exhausted from the daily struggle. I have had a lifetime of being told by family, social media or strangers that there is something wrong with my body. That it is not the ideal. I am taking a revolutionary approach; trying to appreciate my body for all it has done for me so far. Saying I am going to love my body felt like a stretch after swallowing so much negativity. I can start with appreciation and build to love. After all, being a mother of a daughter, this is another cycle I want to break. I do not want my daughter to spend her life hating her body. My goal for her is the same one I aspire to: to love her body unconditionally. To think of it not in terms of a number on the scale, or a particular size, but in terms of what it can do for her and how strong it is.
This body has done so much for me. It has survived being run over by a three wheeler (only a fractured cheek bone!). Fallen off countless horses. Gone ass over tea kettle down a ditch in a wheel barrow (thanks sissie!). Been through multiple car crashes, including a rollover and hitting a deer, without so much as a scratch! This body grew a baby to full-term and then some, and then pushed that beautiful, perfect baby out. This body has breastfed for several years, creating an unbreakable bond with my child. This body has carried me to 40 states, 14 countries, with countless more to explore. This body has carried me over the finish line of multiple 5ks, and even one half marathon. This body has survived the loss of loved ones, including my dear father, and been able to pick up the pieces and somehow still manage to carry on, despite the hole left in my heart. This body is currently surviving a divorce, one where I have decided that above anything else (my marriage, my child, my security), I have chosen myself first. I choose me, above anything else. I could go on and on about what my body has done and continues to do for me.
In a radical step, since it is summer, I am starting with appreciating my body in swimsuit. An area so many women struggle with. I bought myself several new swimsuits, ones that a past version of myself would have NEVER! bought. And you know what? I am rocking them. I feel good in them. I feel sexy, which is an entirely new feeling I am slowly getting used to. But the best part? I am not hung up on any imperfection or what my body looks like, because I am too busy having fun cannon-balling and belly flopping into the pool with my kid. Women, I would encourage you to try this yourself. It’s been so incredibly liberating! I have dubbed this the summer of zero f*cks and am enjoying the hell out of it. I dare you to try this too.
Well, it is go time motherfuckers! Shit or get off the pot so to speak. Friday we have our first discernment counseling or therapy session. Never heard of it? Well, neither had I until I had gotten a little information from a therapist on TikTok. Then I did some more research on it and thought, “YAS! This is what we need!”
What is it? It’s a specific type of counseling that helps you to decide one of three paths for your marriage/relationship: 1) continuing as is, 2) separation or divorce and 3) intense couples counseling for 6 months with divorce off the table during that 6 month period. It is time boxed, between 1 and 5 sessions, so it doesn’t drag on interminably. You don’t really use discernment therapy to hash out your relationship or marital issues…it is more or less you, your partner, and a therapist deciding, “Should we stay or should we go?”
I just let out a huge exhale as I typed this, because even though I initiated the appointment I’m still wracked with anxiety about the potential outcome. I know, I know, if we do get divorced, I will not be the first person to ever experience this. Nor will I be the last. But not a single person goes into their marriage thinking they are going to possibly end up divorced somewhere up ahead in the future.
The hubs and I have not been doing well, pandemic aside for awhile now. But the pandemic certainly did nothing to help us out. We even have been in traditional couples therapy for the past year…and it’s not helping. And I am at the point where I am so tired of living in this limbo. I want a decision, whatever that is, and a path forward. I don’t know that I’d call it forcing my husband’s hand, but in a way, yeah, I guess it is. And I will be OK whatever happens. There is something deep down inside telling me this and it’s been rooting me, despite my occasional bouts of anxiety. I have been through so much in my life…what is one more thing for me to overcome? Stay tuned everyone…Friday is the first appointment. This picture spoke to me…and I’ll be repeating it to myself all week long.
What No One Told Me 