Tag: #bebrave

Hi Ho It’s Off for a Biopsy I Go!

I have been struggling with heavy periods for awhile now and went to see my OB/GYN. Not only do my cycles last 7-8 days, but I am having disgusting size clots that would make you gag if I were to describe the size of them to you. In addition to that fun, I am having terrible cramps as a result. I get it, my body is trying to extricate this stuff from me, but often leaves me wanting to curl into a fetal position and just sob. The pain is through my lower abdomen, radiating down the front of my thighs, and is so intense I am forced to stop and deep breathe through it. To no one’s surprise, I have been feeling depleted and exhausted both during and after my periods. I thought it may be attributed solely to perimenopause, my OB/GYN had different thoughts. Just a reminder to all the ladies out there: heavy periods aren’t normal.

During my appointment with my OB/GYN, she scheduled me for both an ultrasound and a uterine biopsy to rule out fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian and uterine cancer. Yay! My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and the biopsy is scheduled for Tuesday. Let the worrying begin!

Although this isn’t my first biopsy (I have titanium beads in both boobs from previous biopsies!), I thought I was handling this round pretty well until I realized I wasn’t. Last Sunday afternoon, I was lying in bed trying to nap and an image came up in my mind of having to tell my daughter I had cancer. The vision felt so real I started to sob in my bed. I lost my dad to cancer, albeit lung cancer, but this is one of the biggest worries and fears as a mother. That my daughter will lose me early in life. I was 24 when my dad died, and he was only 50 years old. I am 45 years old, and in just five short years, I will be the same age as when my dad left this Earth. I wish I could tell you I don’t have paranoia about dying at the same age he did, but I do. I really, really do. And as my biopsy appointment approaches, I feel more and more anxiety creeping in. If you haven’t ever had to experience this, it is pure agony having to wait for biopsy results. As if the lead up to the procedure isn’t bad enough, those days after, when everything seems to hang in the balance while you are waiting on a pathology report, are completely excruciating.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me or send me good vibes or anything positive. I sure could use it. Until then, I will be trying to keep myself distracted so I don’t circle down this black hole of what if scenarios until I have a panic attack.

Hopeful

There is an electricity in the air.
It tingles my skin and makes my pulse race.
Something good is on its way to me.
I have a feeling deep inside my soul about it.
There are times my heart is bursting with joy
And I thank the Universe for all my blessings.
At times, it doesn’t feel real to live this life.
To finally be free.
I never knew I could be this happy
After so much grief.
The wonder of possibilities
Lay before me.
What if it all works out?
What if I get what I have been longing for?
What if my dreams become reality?
I am hopeful.

Playing the Feeld

No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!

The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!

In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!

What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.

Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.

What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉

The Fun (and Perils!) of Online Dating

I am dipping my toes back into the world of (online) dating after my divorce. It has been interesting to say the least! I have had several good times, too many laughs to count, and a few WTF moments to share with you. It has been nearly 20 years since I have “dated” and things have changed, including me.

First and foremost, can someone help me understand why ghosting is happening with people in their late 30’s and 40’s? Last time I checked I thought we were all adults! I saw a Tiktok that cracked me up because she said if you ghost someone as a person in your 40’s, I am going to wonder if it is ghosting or you had a heart attack and died! LOL This happened to me with a match I had. Things were going fairly well IMHO. We had seen each other multiple times and were texting daily over the course of several months. I cannot tell you how hurt I was when the ghosting happened. I had no closure. I was left holding the bag, wondering what went wrong. Replaying our time together in my head, wondering where I had somehow missed a sign? What I deserved, and would have appreciated, was some communication things had changed, or wasn’t working out. That could have been a simple text message. Something, anything instead of just *poof* disappearing. On the positive end, for those I have matched with and not felt a connection or wanted to pursue things, I have been honest with them. Clear communication is kind. I don’t ghost, because I would never want someone to feel the way I felt in that moment. I wish more people would be considerate of others’ feelings. It is not easy for anyone to put themselves out there, man or woman, and no one likes being rejected. But a rejection is far better than being ghosted.

Lately I have been gobsmacked at some of the things I have seen with online dating. First and foremost, I am convinced most men do not know how to hold a conversation. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of times the conversation fizzled out because I was not asked a single question about myself…and I refused to keep the conversation going by being the only one to ask questions and be curious. This morning I matched with someone who was handsome and he messaged me to tell me that he had just gotten back from the gym, and he has to wear two pairs of bike shorts….and was that OK?!? I played dumb and asked, “Was what ok?” To which he proceeded to tell me how BIG he is and if I would be OK that he was so incredibly large. First of all, um, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, you are THAT huge. Secondly, this was in the first 3 messages he sent me after we matched. Huh? What? You’re leading with your cock size in this initial conversation?!? Is that all you have to offer?!? The smartass in me wanted to message him and say “Prove it!” but I told him it was an unappealing lead in and he ended the conversation. LOL I mean, I understand some people are only looking to hookup or be solely FWB, which is fine, but at least be upfront in your profile or what you are looking for.

I had another guy I was talking to send me a picture of another woman and then mentioned something about a date. Um, ok?!? Listen my guy, I am a mid-40’s woman who is divorced…if you are trying to make me jealous by letting me know you have options, I hate to break it to you but your approach just backfired. While I would love to find someone to date and go on adventures with, I do not need you in my life. So if your plan is to “make me jealous” in order to get my attention, I am wholly uninterested.

I had a few times where dates were arranged and then fell apart at the last minute. One guy changed the meeting time of our date, and the place we were supposed to meet at was closing within 30 minutes of us getting there. I asked him if he had suggestions for an alternative place or if he wanted to reschedule and his reply was, “I understand if you have changed your mind about meeting me.” Ummmmmmm, WTF?! When I told him that wasn’t what I said he stopped responding to my text messages. I silently thanked the Universe for screening him out for me. Another guy I had to reschedule our initial date because I wasn’t feeling well, and he told me he would get back to me with options for where to meet. This was a week before our date. He did not reach out until the afternoon of the day of our date. I told him I didn’t think it was happening since the ball was in his court to send me places and he never did. He told me I could have reminded him. No thank you sir! Last time I checked, I thought you were a grown ass adult. If you need me to REMIND you we have a date and for you to make plans, this does not bode well for any kind of future. I already have a child and am not looking to manage a man-child as part of my next relationship. That was part of the reason I got divorced. No one is attracted to someone they have to mother or be a parent to.

There have been some positive moments, along with some disappointing ones as well. I know this is part of life. Despite some of the letdowns and challenges I remain hopeful to meet someone I am compatible with and who will add to my life. Some days are more hopeful than others. This morning I am not that optimistic. I texted my bestie and asked her to remind me why I am doing this again. SIGH Until that happens, I will continue to share my comedy dating stories so everyone can have a few laughs.