Is This Middle Age?

I’m approaching my mid-40’s, which puts me squarely in this middle age bracket. And as much as I would like to believe I’ll live forever, I’m having moments of WTF is that pain?!? Is it the big one?!? My bestie and I frequently joke when having said random pains, “Is this how we die?” It is mostly a way to ease the tension, but there is an element of truth that lies beneath.

To be fair, I wouldn’t call myself a hypochondriac, but I did lose my dad and other family members to cancer when they were middle-aged. My dad was 50 when he died, so as I creep closer to that age I am worried the same fate lies ahead for me. Which is worrisome, because I want to be around a long, long time for my kiddo. I lost my father in my early 20’s, which was devastating enough to deal with. I could not imagine losing a parent as a child.

In the past month, here is some of what I had to contend with when it comes to middle age problems. First and foremost freaker-outer moment was me having to rule out a DVT or blood clot in my leg. I had a recent COVID infection, I have a sibling that has a history of blood clots (multiple pulmonary embolisms) and I started having calf pain that would not go away. I ignored it for over a week, but then started to get worried when it wasn’t really getting better. After a telehealth visit confirmed my worries, off to the ER I went. My sister had cautioned me to be on the lookout for it, but I ignored her mostly because it freaked me out a little (ok, ok, ok, it freaked me out a LOT). One downside of post-divorce solitude is that I could die and no one may know about it right away. That is fun to think about.

The good news? It wasn’t a blood clot! The bad news. It is probably something structural in my body, which I now suspect is my Achilles tendon. Yesterday, while attempting to skip in the rain with my daughter, I was one skip in and felt a terrible pain in that same calf that had me limping the rest of the day.

As if that wasn’t enough, then my period decided it needed a vacation. Same, period, same. I was going on 42 days before it decided to show up again. In force. The only upside is I did not have a “hoe phase” in January, so I wasn’t overly concerned I was pregnant, but did take a pregnancy test to rule that out. Cool, cool, let me add perimenopause to the list of middle-age wonders I now get to contend with. I have been asking close friends how much they know about this topic and most don’t know a lot (including me). Our mothers didn’t talk to us about going through this change, so it is another area of life where I am flying blind and figuring it out as I go. Hooray.

I read an article about menopause and it talked about how this was just preparing you for this next phase in life. I sat there thinking, “What next phase?!? Death?!?” Yes, let us prepare for that. It is totally depressing. This whole post has been a random mix of depressing updates. I tell you this so you know if you have any middle-aged women friends you work with or in your life, we are coping with a lot these days. And we are not well and our bodies are starting to fall apart. And if you didn’t already get the takeaway: middle age fucking blows (my current mood). Although I wouldn’t trade my body falling apart for the life experience I have gained, so I guess there’s my silver lining. Excuse me while I go pop my supplements and limp off into the sunset.

I Am Ready

I am ready
For morning kisses and passionate evenings.
I am ready
For fun, laughter and adventures.
I am ready
For coffee and cuddles to start the day.
I am ready
For intimate conversations.
I am ready
To show up and be someone they can rely on.
I am ready
To be taken care of emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I am ready
To fulfill their deepest wishes and desires.
I am ready
To be with a partner I feel safe enough to be triggered by.
I am ready
To love freely, without expectation.
I am ready
To be truly seen, valued and appreciated.
I am ready
To have the tough conversations and do the healing work.
I am ready
For a love that chooses me, every single day.
I am ready
To love you for who you are.
I am ready.

Moonbathing

The moon, a silver crescent in the sky, beckons me onto the deck. I cannot ignore her call. As I open the door, I step into the silky darkness and the cold air is sharp in my nostrils. My feet are freezing against the frosty slats of wood but I grip my cup of coffee tighter to keep some warmth in my hands.

I can see the moon through the skeletal branches of the trees. I look up, taking in the sight of her exquisite silvery shape. This early in the morning, the neighborhood is silent. The birds have not yet begun to chirp their morning tunes. There is not a single sound of movement in the woods behind the house. I smile, incredibly grateful to savor this moment of such stillness. It is so rare for it to be this quiet where I am. I take a deep breath of chilly air, letting it fill my lungs, as the peacefulness envelops me.

I open my arms and absorb the moon’s shimmery beauty, allowing it to wash over me, as I stop to think about the generations of women before me. We are connected across space and time and I feel it in this moment. Under a beautiful moon. I think of the strong women in my life and send them love, knowing intuitively they will feel my offering.

I retreat back into the house when my feet start to feel like blocks of ice, and daylight is beginning to creep in. I utter a silent prayer of thanks for this sacred time and for all the blessings in my life.

Reconnecting

The doorbell rings and my heart skips a beat. You are here already? I thought you were going to call before you arrived. I am filled with gleeful anticipation as I skitter to the door. I fling it open to see you standing on my porch, your bearded face smiling, holding an overnight bag. My heart squeezes with delight as I take in the full sight of you. I usher you inside, close and lock the door, and immediately step toward you. It has been far too long. My excitement bubbles over as I long to have my body pressed up against yours and try to close the gap between us.

I am one step behind as your hands are immediately on my waist, pulling me to you while drawing me in for a kiss. I let out a sigh as I wrap my arms around your neck, leaning in. Then a gasp escapes me as your cold hands are under my shirt, exploring my body.

“Your hands are freezing!” I exclaim while laughing into the kiss.

“I know…I drove with the windows open,” he laughs as his hands continue to roam. They are not cold for long.

I show you the food I ordered for us, and you tell me you are hungry for something else. A devilish grin curls my lips as I turn to you, and the look in your eyes gives me pause. I see the wanting, the need, the longing, and it is matched by my own craving. The food goes cold while we reconnect with one another. Soon there is nothing between us except desire and time to explore.