Riding The Struggle Bus

All aboard, bitches! I have been riding the struggle bus for weeks and want to take you along for this journey. No really, hop on….let’s go!

I have been telling close friends and coworkers I am not sure if I am burned out, depressed, suffering from menopausal hormonal issues, or some lethal combination of the three. I have felt both physically and emotionally drained and unsure of how I am supposed to remedy this feeling. But, as a result of sharing with people, I am finding this is more of a collective energy these days. There is some solace in knowing I am not alone riding the struggle bus these days.

I have had my daughter the past three weeks and I have beat myself up for not making this part of summer a magical time with her. You see and hear all these sayings like “you only have 18 summers with your kids!” and while I acknowledge that is true, it is completely unrealistic to make every day magic. In addition to these societal expectations, my ex-husband goes out of his way to do over the top shit with our daughter, so I have to fight that feeling of competing with him. In my core, I know it’s not a competition but I am still a human being who is prone to make comparisons. Some days, I am struggling to keep my own head above water…so in trying to keep myself from drowning, I don’t create magic. And after some contemplation (and guilt!), I have realized that is OK. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with this false sense that every day is a magical fairy tale event. It’s not; that is not how life works. It is usually in those fleeting moments of joy where memories are made, so I am trying to remind myself of that when the bad mom guilt monster rears its ugly head. Take yesterday as an example, we both happened to catch the family dog dragging his butt across the carpet and we laughed until we were both crying and out of breath. An ordinary, funny as hell moment out of our day where we shared a moment of connection. I guess that is a type of magic, isn’t it? Maybe I need to redefine magic as not being some capitalistic, over the top event I have to present my daughter with on a regular basis.

On the work front, I have been stressed to the max due to a situation that came to a conclusion this past week. I am hoping it means things will be looking up. From a health front, in order to be more proactive about menopause and aging, I am working with a holistic doctor. I am starting to slowly see positive results. More than anything, I have been so encouraged by the fact my concerns have not been dismissed as a “regular part of aging” or just “something all women deal with”. I have felt heard, really listened to, and have felt like this is a good partnership in working towards optimal health for me. The current struggle is the realization and change that comes with the fact that what worked for me even 5, 10, 15 years ago no longer works and I have to find a new way to eat, move my body and live my most healthiest life.

Personally, I haven’t felt great about the amount of doom scrolling I have been doing these days. I recognize it as a sign my mind cannot deal with anything else at the moment, and it’s to tune out and dissociate to protect myself. I get that. I also am feeling pulled to start cultivating a life that feels more centered on joy, instead of shoulding all over myself. I dunno about you, but I am so good about shoulding all over myself versus taking time to do things that really feed my soul. I have operated from the mindset that my responsibilities always come first and that joy, pleasure, hobbies and things I enjoy only come afterwards, IF I have any energy or desire left. And you know what? That is complete and utter bullshit. I have realized part of my issue is precisely because I have not been infusing these small moments of joy into my daily life. Do I know how to change that? Not quite yet, but I am confident I will figure it out.

Where am I going with this post? I continue to ride the struggle bus into the future, hoping to get off soon at Joyful Street or Easy Life Lane. I think more than anything, if you are riding the struggle bus too, know you are not alone. Maybe we can share a seat on the bus.

Playing the Feeld

No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!

The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!

In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!

What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.

Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.

What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉

The New Workplace

This week at work, we had some changes in leadership, including our CEO and other high-level executives. As a result in a departmental meeting, this talk of what will happen to remote working under our new leadership began circulating. It seems to be ever present in people’s minds. Our leader mentioned that our old CEO hated remote work and would have rather we all be back in the office. Our new CEO didn’t even live in the same city as the region he was representing, so there was talk that he may be more flexible at keeping remote work in place. I sat in the meeting, wondering to myself, “Why is this even a point of discussion three years into a global pandemic?”

The amount of gaslighting going on these days by Corporate America is insane. We are anchoring results against the pre-pandemic world. We talk about going back into the office as “getting back to the way things were”. It makes me want to scream, “What have you witnessed in the past three years that makes you think that ANYTHING or ANYONE is the same as before the start of the pandemic?” There is no getting back to the way things were. Like it or not, we are all forever changed as a result of living through this moment in history.

Across the globe, we watched over 6 million of our fellow humans die from this disease. A lot of us are either experiencing or bearing witness to the devastating health effects of long COVID as a result of having had this and actually survived. I was fortunate enough not to lose a close family member or friend during this time, but I know plenty of people who did. For those of us with children, it was an exhausting daily task of calculating the risk of whether or not to take your child out into the world, deciding to put them in daycare, etc. because even though there was a global pandemic, we were still expected to show up and do our jobs. At my company, and my ex-husband’s company, we operated completely remotely for over a year and guess what? Those companies did not significantly suffer having a remote workforce.

For me personally, the pandemic shifted a lot of my own personal values. Pre-pandemic, I was overly concerned with my own career track. I had often felt “behind” at progressing up the corporate ladder and was overextending myself to try to make strides to get promoted, etc. Now? I could honestly give a shit less about the “corporate ladder”. It’s all bullshit. I am no longer interested in participating in capitalism the way I once did before. Now I am interested in doing a good job for my own personal integrity and also I want flexibility to attend my daughter’s events, pick her up early to do something to go make memories, or not be exhausted at the end of the day that I don’t have the energy or inclination to pursue some of my own hobbies and interests. I learned a very emotional yet important lesson during this time: you do not know when your time is up. I want to savor the moments, both individually and with my because I will never get that time. My dad used to talk about making memories with us, and his words echo on repeat in my head.

I am waiting for employers to catch up and finally realize this is the new workplace. Workers globally no longer care about sacrificing their mental health and time with family and friends to help the company earn ridiculous profits. As for me, I will be sure to take time to make memories with my kiddo.

Letting Go

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. You are a constant companion in my heart and on my mind. Most days I send you love. I send you peace. I send you healing. I want you to know I am rooting for you every. single. day. Ultimately, I want what is best for you…even if it’s not with me.

Some days I tell you to fuck off. I’m not proud of those moments, but I am human and acknowledge my humanness. Those are the days it feels painful to hold this love in my heart. Those are the days my body aches to be physically close to you. To be held by you. To be wrapped up in your presence. Those are usually the days I cry. Those are the days I question whether it was real.

I will forever be grateful for our time together. I have told you before, and I will tell you time and time again: you were a gift from the Universe. I am certain of that. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

I am letting go to choose me. I am letting so I don’t make the same mistake as I did before; putting my life on hold. I am sad to let go of this ridiculous sense of hopefulness I have carried, but I know it is what I need to do. I am confident if we are supposed to be together in the future, you’ll find your way back to me.

And no matter what, please don’t forget I am rooting for you. Every. Single. Day.