Tag: #grateful

It’s Benign but…

I wrote last month about a uterine biopsy, which came back fine! But to my surprise, October turned out to be “biopsy month”, as I have now dubbed it. I had gone to the dermatologist for my annual skin check when he saw a mole on my upper arm that was concerning. PSA: Get your skin check people!

I trust this dermatologist because several years ago he removed a mole on the side of my boob that he thought was sus and when that biopsy came back, the cells were precancerous but the margins were clear. This meant he removed all the precancerous skin and the edges around the part did not have any abnormal cells. The biopsy results this time were a bit of a different story. I saw the note posted first in medical gibberish on the patient portal before I received a call from their office. I highly do not recommend googling search results because I went down a rabbit hole of panic and despair, only to freak myself out. It was not pretty.

The call came the next day. “Your biopsy results were benign but we need to do an excision surgery to remove an additional margin around the area.” Well shit! Surgery folks. A bigger hole in my skin plus stitches. Yay! I am relieved that it’s not full blown surgery in that I have to be put under general anesthesia. I also feel grateful that I have been going for regular skin check-ups and was able to catch this earlier rather than later.

In talking with my sister, we reflected on how compared to our parents, we are taking much better care of ourselves than they ever did. This makes me proud of myself and also reflects my commitment to my kiddo. I cannot be around a long time for her if I am not taking care of my physical and mental well-being. And I’m learning, even though I do have a child, that I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of them. In the past, I wasn’t good at that and am happy I have made great progress in this area.

Am I nervous about this surgery? A little, yes. Again, as I creep closer to being the same age my father died at, I say a little prayer that I will be around for awhile for the sake of my kiddo. But I also know deep inside that I have been through so many things and there is a deep knowing that I will be able to get through this too.

What I Desire

Random, funny texts.
Hugs that linger.
A knowing smile.
Flowers for no reason.
Being the little spoon. Or the big spoon.
Cuddles by a warm fire.
A relaxing foot massage.
Being curled comfortably in your lap.
Holding hands on a walk.
Being kissed awake.
Long talks about anything and everything.
A shared joke.
Getting my head rubbed.
Morning coffee in bed.
Your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine.
Being pressed against you.
Ecstasy.
Pleasure.
Desire.
Release.

Hopeful

There is an electricity in the air.
It tingles my skin and makes my pulse race.
Something good is on its way to me.
I have a feeling deep inside my soul about it.
There are times my heart is bursting with joy
And I thank the Universe for all my blessings.
At times, it doesn’t feel real to live this life.
To finally be free.
I never knew I could be this happy
After so much grief.
The wonder of possibilities
Lay before me.
What if it all works out?
What if I get what I have been longing for?
What if my dreams become reality?
I am hopeful.

Riding The Struggle Bus

All aboard, bitches! I have been riding the struggle bus for weeks and want to take you along for this journey. No really, hop on….let’s go!

I have been telling close friends and coworkers I am not sure if I am burned out, depressed, suffering from menopausal hormonal issues, or some lethal combination of the three. I have felt both physically and emotionally drained and unsure of how I am supposed to remedy this feeling. But, as a result of sharing with people, I am finding this is more of a collective energy these days. There is some solace in knowing I am not alone riding the struggle bus these days.

I have had my daughter the past three weeks and I have beat myself up for not making this part of summer a magical time with her. You see and hear all these sayings like “you only have 18 summers with your kids!” and while I acknowledge that is true, it is completely unrealistic to make every day magic. In addition to these societal expectations, my ex-husband goes out of his way to do over the top shit with our daughter, so I have to fight that feeling of competing with him. In my core, I know it’s not a competition but I am still a human being who is prone to make comparisons. Some days, I am struggling to keep my own head above water…so in trying to keep myself from drowning, I don’t create magic. And after some contemplation (and guilt!), I have realized that is OK. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with this false sense that every day is a magical fairy tale event. It’s not; that is not how life works. It is usually in those fleeting moments of joy where memories are made, so I am trying to remind myself of that when the bad mom guilt monster rears its ugly head. Take yesterday as an example, we both happened to catch the family dog dragging his butt across the carpet and we laughed until we were both crying and out of breath. An ordinary, funny as hell moment out of our day where we shared a moment of connection. I guess that is a type of magic, isn’t it? Maybe I need to redefine magic as not being some capitalistic, over the top event I have to present my daughter with on a regular basis.

On the work front, I have been stressed to the max due to a situation that came to a conclusion this past week. I am hoping it means things will be looking up. From a health front, in order to be more proactive about menopause and aging, I am working with a holistic doctor. I am starting to slowly see positive results. More than anything, I have been so encouraged by the fact my concerns have not been dismissed as a “regular part of aging” or just “something all women deal with”. I have felt heard, really listened to, and have felt like this is a good partnership in working towards optimal health for me. The current struggle is the realization and change that comes with the fact that what worked for me even 5, 10, 15 years ago no longer works and I have to find a new way to eat, move my body and live my most healthiest life.

Personally, I haven’t felt great about the amount of doom scrolling I have been doing these days. I recognize it as a sign my mind cannot deal with anything else at the moment, and it’s to tune out and dissociate to protect myself. I get that. I also am feeling pulled to start cultivating a life that feels more centered on joy, instead of shoulding all over myself. I dunno about you, but I am so good about shoulding all over myself versus taking time to do things that really feed my soul. I have operated from the mindset that my responsibilities always come first and that joy, pleasure, hobbies and things I enjoy only come afterwards, IF I have any energy or desire left. And you know what? That is complete and utter bullshit. I have realized part of my issue is precisely because I have not been infusing these small moments of joy into my daily life. Do I know how to change that? Not quite yet, but I am confident I will figure it out.

Where am I going with this post? I continue to ride the struggle bus into the future, hoping to get off soon at Joyful Street or Easy Life Lane. I think more than anything, if you are riding the struggle bus too, know you are not alone. Maybe we can share a seat on the bus.