Tag: #divorce

Riding The Struggle Bus

All aboard, bitches! I have been riding the struggle bus for weeks and want to take you along for this journey. No really, hop on….let’s go!

I have been telling close friends and coworkers I am not sure if I am burned out, depressed, suffering from menopausal hormonal issues, or some lethal combination of the three. I have felt both physically and emotionally drained and unsure of how I am supposed to remedy this feeling. But, as a result of sharing with people, I am finding this is more of a collective energy these days. There is some solace in knowing I am not alone riding the struggle bus these days.

I have had my daughter the past three weeks and I have beat myself up for not making this part of summer a magical time with her. You see and hear all these sayings like “you only have 18 summers with your kids!” and while I acknowledge that is true, it is completely unrealistic to make every day magic. In addition to these societal expectations, my ex-husband goes out of his way to do over the top shit with our daughter, so I have to fight that feeling of competing with him. In my core, I know it’s not a competition but I am still a human being who is prone to make comparisons. Some days, I am struggling to keep my own head above water…so in trying to keep myself from drowning, I don’t create magic. And after some contemplation (and guilt!), I have realized that is OK. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with this false sense that every day is a magical fairy tale event. It’s not; that is not how life works. It is usually in those fleeting moments of joy where memories are made, so I am trying to remind myself of that when the bad mom guilt monster rears its ugly head. Take yesterday as an example, we both happened to catch the family dog dragging his butt across the carpet and we laughed until we were both crying and out of breath. An ordinary, funny as hell moment out of our day where we shared a moment of connection. I guess that is a type of magic, isn’t it? Maybe I need to redefine magic as not being some capitalistic, over the top event I have to present my daughter with on a regular basis.

On the work front, I have been stressed to the max due to a situation that came to a conclusion this past week. I am hoping it means things will be looking up. From a health front, in order to be more proactive about menopause and aging, I am working with a holistic doctor. I am starting to slowly see positive results. More than anything, I have been so encouraged by the fact my concerns have not been dismissed as a “regular part of aging” or just “something all women deal with”. I have felt heard, really listened to, and have felt like this is a good partnership in working towards optimal health for me. The current struggle is the realization and change that comes with the fact that what worked for me even 5, 10, 15 years ago no longer works and I have to find a new way to eat, move my body and live my most healthiest life.

Personally, I haven’t felt great about the amount of doom scrolling I have been doing these days. I recognize it as a sign my mind cannot deal with anything else at the moment, and it’s to tune out and dissociate to protect myself. I get that. I also am feeling pulled to start cultivating a life that feels more centered on joy, instead of shoulding all over myself. I dunno about you, but I am so good about shoulding all over myself versus taking time to do things that really feed my soul. I have operated from the mindset that my responsibilities always come first and that joy, pleasure, hobbies and things I enjoy only come afterwards, IF I have any energy or desire left. And you know what? That is complete and utter bullshit. I have realized part of my issue is precisely because I have not been infusing these small moments of joy into my daily life. Do I know how to change that? Not quite yet, but I am confident I will figure it out.

Where am I going with this post? I continue to ride the struggle bus into the future, hoping to get off soon at Joyful Street or Easy Life Lane. I think more than anything, if you are riding the struggle bus too, know you are not alone. Maybe we can share a seat on the bus.

Playing the Feeld

No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!

The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!

In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!

What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.

Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.

What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉

The First Holidays After Divorce

I am sitting alone on Thanksgiving morning with the dog, drinking a cup of coffee and reflecting on the fact this is the first Thanksgiving without my daughter. The way our parenting plan and schedule worked out this year I won’t be with my daughter on Halloween, Thanksgiving, her actual birthday, and Christmas Eve & Christmas morning. Needless to say, the holidays have hit differently for me this year.

I have had a multitude of feelings about spending some of my first holidays alone post-divorce. First and foremost, I am sad, but I get this was a natural consequence. It wasn’t unexpected in that way. It has been hard fielding questions about how my daughter liked Halloween or how she dressed up (I dunno because I wasn’t there) or what my plans are for Thanksgiving. This whole experience has also given me the ability to understand how my mom felt when we went to our dad’s for the holidays. It’s a bit different, since we only saw my dad on holidays & weekends, but I recognize the sameness of our situations in spending holidays alone. I do have compassion for her experience, as this is not an easy time to navigate, but also disappointment in that she guilt tripped us and made us feel bad for seeing our other parent. That is something I have been thoroughly intentional about…I do not want my daughter to feel guilt at seeing her dad or spending time with her dad. Divorce is hard enough on a kid; there is no need for a parent to layer their own guilt on top of an already challenging situation for a child.

I also have felt anger towards my ex-husband. We were in an amicable co-parenting place before he allowed another woman to move in and run the show and our co-parenting relationship has taken a hit as a result. I would have loved for an invitation to have been extended to me to spend at least a few hours together with our daughter on this day. But that hasn’t happened. I don’t think it will materialize in the future, so I am left to cope with this reality solely on my own.

I have come to realize that the first holidays feel similarly to the experience of navigating the first year after someone dies. As you approach these days, you realize things have been forever altered. It can be filled with emotional landmines as you grieve the loss of your intact family and any traditions you may have had. I was unpacking Christmas décor and stumbled across a paper mache snowman I bought with my ex on a trip to Mexico City. I smiled at the memory while feeling a pang of sorrow and then promptly threw it in the trash. I hope you do not romanticize the past with your ex, as there was a reason why the two of you got divorced. Although the memory made me smile, I recognize that my life is ultimately far more peaceful and joyful NOW post-divorce then it ever was married. Despite any grief I may feel about this time, I know in my heart I made the absolute right decision for myself. I was invited to friends, and while I appreciated the generous offer, I declined it, as I wanted to allow myself space to grieve and navigate this new normal on my own.

Let’s not also forget the positives too. It is a time for you to CREATE new traditions on those holidays you DO have you child. My kid is old enough now for us to bake Christmas cookies together. I love baking and want to involve her in a new tradition where we make Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. Although not new, we adopt local kids from our Boys and Girls Club because I want her to realize there are kids in this world that have socks, underwear or a winter coat on their wish list for Christmas. Despite the difficult journey our family has gone through, we still are very fortunate. I want her to see the holiday is not all about receiving; it is about giving. It is about helping where you can to make your community and world a better place. And it’s an opportunity for you personally, dear one. I decided to see a movie later today by myself. I booked the ticket last night and am looking forward to movie theater popcorn later! While I am not cooking a full on Thanksgiving dinner for myself, I did get from the store certain holiday foods I love (stuffing, pumpkin pie. etc.) and plan to cook them later. It is not all sadness and grieving; there are some hopeful, joyful moments during this time.

If you are going through the holidays post-divorce for the first time like me, my heart goes out to you. My wish is for healing and love to surround you, even in those tough moments. Know that it is not all bad, it will get better, and you will get through it. Be hopeful for your future.

A New Beginning

As of the 1st of this month, I am now officially divorced. I was on the phone with my sister when I received the paperwork from my attorney and I cheered with joy! I was filled with a sense of liberation and celebration at having the legal paperwork in hand. It was a year ago in September that I asked for a divorce, and we now have come full circle. I also love the fact that both events happened in September, the 9th month. The number 9 represents completion; the end of a cycle. I am no longer his wife and am reclaiming myself with this and each and every day that passes. I feel so fortunate for the opportunity to write a new story in my mid-40’s. I get to redefine myself solely for ME! I get to choose the narrative of my life moving forward. Admittedly, I didn’t feel like I was in the driver’s seat of my life in my marriage, and the prospect of taking back the reigns of my life is exhilarating.

But this new beginning is not without its challenges. I am weary because I need to sort through the last financial ties that still bind us, and it feels like a slog. I keep telling myself that I am nearly there, that this is the last stretch in a very long, exhaustive race. I have carried the majority of responsibility (financial, emotional, and parenting) while together with my ex, and feel a similar burden as I am wrapping up items from the divorce agreement. In addition to that, because I have chosen to go back to my maiden name, there are additional hoops to jump through including an updated social security card, driver’s license, passport, and getting all new credits and debit cards as a result. I spent a majority of the weekend trying not to feel overwhelmed by these last steps. It’s as though I am on the last few miles of a marathon…and I am desperate to see the finish line.

That leaves the one tie that binds us; our daughter. And if I am honest with myself, this has been the biggest challenge. He has already had a female “friend” staying with him while our daughter is there. It appears she now has basically moved in. He has only been in the new house for a few months, so the routine is still new for the two of them. Let alone adding in a third party. This friend was someone I suspected him of having an affair with last summer (she’s one of a slew of women) and it was the final implosion of a marriage that was on life support anyway.

My daughter confessed to me that she felt like she had to be perfect while this other person was at her dad’s house. She went on to tell me she couldn’t be herself and had to hold in her big feelings. My heart ached as she sobbed and told me she didn’t want to tell him because she didn’t want him to feel like a bad dad. She is almost 8 and has more emotional intelligence than her 46-year-old father. I made sure to explain she is not responsible for others’ feelings. I grew up experiencing that weight and it has been something I have struggled with my entire adult life. I tried having a conversation with him about the situation, but unsurprisingly, he was unable to consider his own daughter’s feelings or perspectives. I do not hold any ill will towards my ex or his friend. My sincere hope and prayer is for my ex to live a life that makes him happy and fulfilled. As the father of our child, I want him to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I recognize I do not have control over the situation in his house, so I said a silent prayer that his friend genuinely loves and cares for our daughter.

I am excited for my own journey and hopeful that things on a co-parenting front improve for the sake of our daughter. And with that in mind, I continue to show up and be the adult, the bigger person, the one who takes our daughter into consideration, while being free to walk the path that brings me the most joy and happiness.