Discovering something new, every day.
Tag: #adventure
Random, funny texts.
Hugs that linger.
A knowing smile.
Flowers for no reason.
Being the little spoon. Or the big spoon.
Cuddles by a warm fire.
A relaxing foot massage.
Being curled comfortably in your lap.
Holding hands on a walk.
Being kissed awake.
Long talks about anything and everything.
A shared joke.
Getting my head rubbed.
Morning coffee in bed.
Your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine.
Being pressed against you.
Ecstasy.
Pleasure.
Desire.
Release.
No, I didn’t spell that wrong. In part of my post-divorce dating journey, I signed up for a dating app called Feeld. It is more open-minded, sex positive than other dating sites and I have been exploring what I can find in terms of connection. It has been an interesting ride so far!
The only real negative, which has nothing to do with the app itself, is the fact that I have run across my ex-husband. Not just run across him, but he “liked” me on the app, which really activated the ick for me. Someone I chatted with previously had asked about me if I would have sex with my ex-husband, and I could not have had a more visceral reaction. Absolutely not!
In terms of the positive, I have been chatting with a guy where a lot of our kinks align. It’s been a fun, flirty and refreshing conversation. Another guy expressed an interest in pegging. When I had told him that was something I had previously tried and enjoyed, he told me I was the woman of his dreams! It gave me a chuckle, but in reality, he knows very little about me…and he’s also asked very little about me. Do I think we are a match made in heaven? Ummm, no. Another guy lives just a few miles from me, and our convos have been off and on. While he isn’t my usual type (which is tall, dark, Mexican and maybe a few red flags LOL), it has been fun to chat with him. I mean I haven’t been bored by the app, for sure!
What has been great is the level of interest and attention I have been receiving. I am a woman in my mid-40’s dating after a divorce. I do consider myself a MILF and I love that I’m old enough to know what I want, who I am, and be OK in the knowing that I am definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t take rejection as personally as I used to. I understand it’s different strokes for different folks. The most surprising thing to me? The amount of men in their mid-20’s expressing interest in me. While flattering (and a great ego boost!), I did have to add to my profile that if I’m old enough to be your mother, I am probably gonna feel weirded out about connecting. Dating someone 20 years youngers than me feels very mid-life crisis. I’m not at that point….and I hope I never get there.
Feeld touts itself as being open-minded, and the people on there looking for connections really are. I have seen such a wide range of what people are looking for…and having been out of the dating pool for quite awhile (was married for almost 14 years), I have been receiving a fun education on acronyms and terms when it comes to sex, dating and connection.
What do I hope to get out of this experience? Ultimately a FWB situation or maybe even someone to date. I am open to other possibilities though. Out of the men I have been talking to, there is at least 1 or 2 I would like to meet and see if the connection carries over in person. More than anything, I am having fun flirting, sexting and generally being open to what may happen. I will be sure to spill the tea if anything good comes out of this! 😉
As of Wednesday of this week, our divorce paperwork has officially been filed with the courts. I have been really emotional these past few days. I have run through almost every emotion imaginable. Joy at finally being at the finish line of this long, arduous, and expensive process. I feel sadness because it is still an ending, regardless of the fact I initiated our divorce. I feel anger sometimes about the insane amount of money I had to shell out this week after signing the settlement agreement. I feel anxious because the clock has officially started ticking on the end of our marriage…and the only thing that may slow it down or stop it is the judge requesting a hearing with us, or some other legal snafu.
Last, but certainly not least, I feel gobsmacked in some ways because I am in utter disbelief that we are actually this close to the finish line. I had days where it seemed as though we’d never get here. That we would never stop fighting about money, or possessions, or whatever other petty bullshit came between the two of us. I am letting myself feel it all. As a result I have done a lot of crying this week. I recognize I am still in a transition phase, and have not yet really embarked on the next part of my journey.
There are still quite a few entanglements between the two of us to unwind. My ex closed on his house today, and will start moving in. That means the pile of his stuff in the garage will finally be gone, as will some of the few remaining items of his around the house. We will be closing out any remaining accounts, severing one of the last ties to each other. We will be signing over ownership of the vehicles to each of us individually. Dividing up our daughter’s toys so that she will have toys and belongings at each house. I will begin the process of having to pay him monthly child support.
We have gotten to a good place in our co-parenting relationship, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. As I look forward to my journey, I am genuinely excited about what the future holds for me. Yes, I am sad my marriage didn’t work out, but I am being afforded an opportunity to write a new story in my 40’s. To redefine what I want for myself and my life. To explore my interests, hobbies, the world, and new relationships with a renewed sense of freedom and curiosity. To not simply exist, but fully show up and live my life. As the picture says, I for sure have no idea where in the hell I am going from here, but I know deep within my soul it will NOT be boring!
What No One Told Me 