Time for a breakdown

Time for a breakdown

A lot has gone on in the past month. I’m not sure if this post is going to be breaking down all that has been happening or detailing my breakdown that I seem on the verge of having. 

I’m on my 2nd week at a new job. I’m working with and for some people I previously worked with and I’m very happy about that. Overall the environment seems way more positive than the one I was in. But I came on board to find out during the first week that my manager wasn’t really my manager. There was a director role missing so he really is supposed to be my boss’ boss. Then I find out that my faux manager is going to leave this current team to manage a different team in the company. My new REAL manager starts at the end of the month and they are looking for a new leader also. And THEN I find out that the lead person (again interviewed with him) is leaving after my first week. And 2 other people from a team of 6 are done in early August. What. The. Fuck. 

That leaves 3 people left on team that are staying. And none of them know diddly shit. I’m supposed to greet my new boss and orient him…after only having been here 3 weeks myself. 

Beyond the people/staffing clusterfuck there are a lot of different moving pieces. And acronyms. And I don’t have the right access yet. 

To say I feel overwhelmed is a complete understatement. Our stuff is utilized by the whole company and I’ve been terrified something is going to stop working and our team will have no clue how to fix it. Today I wanted to cry but it’s kinda hard to have a good solid cry in those new collaborative work environments where you have zero privacy. I held back the tears, only because I didn’t want someone to see me cry and label me as the new person…who is unstable. 

There’s more to report but I need to take a deep breath and head back to the office to have more shit dumped in my lap. BRB – fighting back another round of tears. 

Let’s Talk About Sex (after) Baby…

Let’s Talk About Sex (after) Baby…

Shit changes after you have a kid.   Physically. Emotionally.  I remember distinctly the anxiety and nervousness I felt before having sex the first time after giving birth. It shot me back in time, feeling like a virgin who was going to “do it”.  How would it feel?  Have my lady parts recovered from birth?  Will he notice a difference in how it feels?  How will it feel to me?  Holy fuck, what if I get pregnant again right away?!?

I had some birth trauma, and was getting physical therapy for my pelvic floor muscles, so I was incredibly worried I’d somehow pee on my husband involuntarily.  (Side story:  when I was cleared for exercise, I went for a short run and pissed myself.  Not just a little leakage…full on could-have-wrung-out-my-pants pissed myself.  I think the anxiety was warranted in this case.)

More than anything, I felt like this body, that I’d known and lived in for all these years, suddenly felt completely foreign to me.  I had to re-learn what would feel good in the sack.  And conversely, what wouldn’t.  I had to come to the realization that sex post-baby wasn’t going to be like it was pre-baby.  And that was OK.  This was a new phase for us as a couple and for me as a woman.  I can say this, now that my daughter is approaching 2-1/2, with some degree of confidence.  In the moment, I felt like an insecure hormonal wreck.  This is the shit about parenthood and pregnancy that people don’t tell you about, but really should.  Everyone talks about the joy of motherhood…not how you and your partner will be rolling around like teenagers trying to learn the lay of the land (again) while simultaneously trying to keep quiet so as not to wake the baby!  More than one time I cried after sex.  Not because it was terrible, but because it was different and seemed to fill me with overwhelming emotion.  I blame hormones on that one.

Things change for our partners too. My husband witnessed the miracle of birth and actually helped deliver our daughter. That meant he got an up close and personal view of what happened to my lady bits. He was traumatized for months. On top of that it took him awhile to reconcile that I could be a mom to our child and want to get laid at the same time. It was difficult for him to see me as a sexual being and not just a mom. We struggled to find a rhythm and flow to our sex life for the first year after baby.

We still don’t have sex as after as we’d like to, but the demands of raising a family, and us working full-time tires the shit out of us.  I hate to say this, but it’s a reality I want to share with you.  There have been plenty of nights where I have chosen sleep over sex….and I find my husband incredibly attractive.  We also don’t have any family close by, so there’s no one to give us a break.  And he travels frequently.  The list of reasons go on and on.  I write this, while my daughter is asleep and my husband retired to bed.  I really should be sleeping myself but wanted to write.  Ah, the trade offs.

For those men reading this that may be horrified and may never want to get their partner pregnant, it does get better.  I can tell you that.  It really does, it just takes time.

 

Figuring Out Your Passion

My husband is one of those people that grew up knowing what he wanted to do for a career and sometimes I’m envious of that.  I turned 39 last month and I still am asking myself the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  I’m sure I’m not alone, because I believe my husband is the exception, not the rule.  Most people don’t know, or are stuck in a job that they don’t love.  Or even like.

I have found myself in jobs I don’t absolutely love for the past few years.  It’s been frustrating to say the least.  My current job, while I love the customers I deal with, my boss and teammates have been awful.  The shit that has come out of their mouths has left me appalled and feeling alone.  Very alone.  Recently a colleague said she was concerned I was raising the bar for everyone else in our department by providing a customer with a thorough well-written piece of documentation.  She even sent an email to our entire team saying she wasn’t going to provide that to her customers.  I shit you not. I personally believe that job security doesn’t exist any longer, but I am a firm believe that providing exceptional customer service to your customers helps you tremendously.

How do you find somewhere that matches your kind of crazy?  How do you even try to weed out places while job hunting and interviewing?  How in the fuck do you figure out what you want to be when you grow up?  

I feel so lost in this arena.  My husband has made suggestions but some don’t feel right. I’ve been selectively applying to jobs that pique my interest. Just figuring out how to cope with fuckwits at work in the meantime. 
If you have ideas I’m open to them. 

Mother’s Day

I should feel happy.  But I don’t. I should feel grateful. But I don’t. I feel an incredibly overwhelming sadness right now. Sadness that neither my husband or I having any family that we are close to. For not really having much of a family to offer our daughter. I’m mad at myself that I don’t feel more grateful. More loved. More happiness. I cried in the shower this morning. I’m sitting in a red polka-dotted towel still crying. I can’t seem to shake this melancholy. 

My husband asked me what I wanted to do today. I can’t even come up with any kind of answer. I whispered “I don’t know” while holding back another round of tears. 

All I see is responsibility. Dishes to be done. Laundry to be folded. Meals to be made. House to be cleaned. Diapers to be changed. Dog to be walked. The list is endless. Where does that leave room for fun?  For me?

I’m so tired of the endless sadness. 

“Team” Building

“Team” Building

In an attempt to engage the team (?) today, a colleague sent out an email of a video. It was from a motion activated camera from her property of a coyote taking a dead squirrel off camera. This resulted in a flurry of responses from our team including our manager who said:  “Well, you leave us the mystery of how the squirrel died…”. Ordinarily most of our team doesn’t interact with one another but apparently dead animals is a uniter!!!!!

What in the actual fuck. What. The. Fuck.  Is this really my life?!?  

I wish I was making this up. 

I believe this helps to explain exactly why I’m currently looking for a new job. 

Don’t believe me?  I took a pic from the video. 

I’m done for the day. Dunno how you top a coyote and a dead squirrel. 

Taking a Risk

I’ve struggled to make friends since moving to Atlanta in 2013. In LA, I had a close group of girlfriends that were my people. We regularly hung out, explored new things around LA and had each other over for dinner. It was a close group of women that I knew had my back no matter what. I miss that comraderie very much. 

I don’t know if it’s been because of my work environments or the area or what but the problem has been that any women friends I’ve gotten to know are either 1) younger than me and don’t have kids yet or 2) they are older than me and their kids are in high school or college (or they don’t have kids). I’ve also seen a lot of what I like to call “Southern Belle” syndrome where everything is just great. So great. Motherhood is to be enjoyed every single second. Their marriage is perfect. I don’t know about you but my life feels really messy. I want someone that can share with me honestly saying “I feel like a hot fucking mess right now” versus telling me how perfect their life is.  Those are the kinds of women friendships I want. Honest. Candid. Hysterical. Someone you can laugh with through whatever is going on, good or bad. 

And to that end, since I haven’t been able to find my tribe, I’m trying another approach. I created a Meetup group today where I’m looking to connect with other moms. I’ve created the first three meetups and after obsessively checking the Meetup group all day, there is still just 1 member:  me. I’m scared I will put myself out there and I won’t have any takers. Ever. That I won’t find my people again. But even if that happens at least I can say I tried right?!?  

I’m putting myself out there with good intentions and hope that the universe supports me and helps deliver some new friends. 

Wish me luck. 

A Savage Fight

A Savage Fight

I feel hungover this morning but not from alcohol. From an awful fight last night with the husband. I had put our daughter to bed and come downstairs and he is watching the news, as per usual. A panelist gets done talking and my husband is practically spitting the words “Shut the fuck up you fat, ignorant bastard” at the tv. I had just sat down but immediately got up and walked into the kitchen muttering, “I don’t want to be around THAT energy.”

He seethes at me, “You don’t want this energy?!?  Is that what you said?!?”

“YES!” I hiss at him. I feel my pulse racing and I’m white hot angry at him. Does he not realize I’m exhausted and I just want a little peace and quiet?!?  Does he not realize how much any kind of negativity physically affects me?  

He’s up off the couch and his face is all twisted in rage. “So it’s OK for you to be in a shitty mood but you don’t want MY energy?!?  WELL FUCK OFF THEN!”

He spins on his heel and leaves the room which I fucking hate. It’s so dismissive. I call after him and he returns. The fighting continues up until the point where he threw something across the room and I screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

Wait, how did we go from 0-1000 in like 5 seconds?!?  

He leaves. I’m shaking in anger. Then the sadness sets in and my body is wracked with sobs. I continue to get ready for bed because I still have to get up at 5am and I honestly have no idea if he’s coming back or not. 

How did we get here?  How are we at the point that we are screaming at each other over an insignificant news show?  What is going on with is?  Who have we become?

I have no answers. I lay in bed, shaking still. I don’t know if it’s leftover adrenaline or I’m just cold. I feel like I could throw up.  I won’t be sleeping anytime soon.

I text a simple “I’m sorry” to him. No response. I wait 15 minutes and then call. I’m  surprised when he picks up. “Two questions:  are you safe?” I ask quietly into the phone. Despite the fight, he’s still my best friend, my partner, the father of my child. 

“Yes.”

“Are you going to come home?”  I almost whisper. His anger seems gone but I’m scared to risk either one of us blowing up again. 

“Yes. Are you still mad?” He asks me. 

“No. Are you still mad?” I inquire while holding my breath for his response. 

“No.  I’m coming home.”

“Ok.”

He got home and we sat in the dark side by side talking. Trying to figure out what is going on. Trying to figure out how to fix our relationship. How to stop hurting one another. 

We talk about some ideas but there’s a sadness in both of us. I cry on and off. Bottom line we are struggling because we don’t have a village. No family here.  No real close friends that we can rely on. No one to help with the big job of parenting. No one to give us a break. We can’t be everything to each. It’s not possible and not healthy. We both chuckle as we agree that our dog is always there for us. At least we can agree on one thing. 

We head to bed, not because we’ve resolved anything, but because we are both exhausted and need rest before any more sleep is lost. 

Maybe today will be a better day.  Today is a new day.