Tag: #lonely

Longing for Connection

I feel very lonely these days and am longing for some kind of connection. Monday I was supposed to meet someone from a dating app for lunch and he bailed on me without much of an explanation. At least I was not ghosted, and am thankful for that. While I’m trying not to personalize it, I do keep thinking to myself, “when is it gonna be my turn?” I long to be held, touched, caressed, kissed, loved. I want to feel desired by another human being. I want to be genuinely loved by another human being. Yesterday I was on different dating apps looking (ahem…forcing) some kind of connection. I worry I will never really be deeply loved in this lifetime. My soul really aches to feel a deep love. I am struggling to get out of this woe is me attitude in regards to love and connection.

I realized yesterday in some of the conversations I need to be more honest about what I’m looking for and what I want. While I do want passionate sex and exploration, I want that with a committed partnership or relationship. There is absolutely nothing casual about me. I’m looking for a partner that is strong enough to hold me, take care of me financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually (not that they have to…but someone who wants to), someone willing to do deep healing work together. Someone I know without question I can trust and rely on…who will be there for me no matter what. Someone I can laugh with. Someone unafraid of partnership and vulnerability. Someone who will hold and comfort me as I cry. Someone who wants to be my roller coaster buddy on this wild ride called life.

Despite feeling lonely these days, I remain stupidly hopeful. It’s a characteristic I both love and sometimes despise about myself.

Alone in a Storm

I’m lying in bed, tangled up in the sheets.
The windows are flung wide open.
I hear and see the wind whipping the trees in a frenzy.
The smell of fresh rain intoxicates me.
The low rumble of thunder begins its crescendo.
I remember the conversation with you about this very topic.
The sheer delight of a good thunderstorm.
Laying in bed as the storm approaches.
Enjoying and appreciating nature’s fury.
I roll to the side and close my eyes.
I try to imagine the feel of your warm body curled up behind me.
Your strong arm tucking me against you.
Holding me tight.
Kisses on my neck.
My eyes flutter open from a loud crack of thunder.
I groan, both from reminiscing and the longing.
The realization sets in.
I am alone in a storm.
I sigh and think to myself, “Maybe someday soon”.
I miss you.

Running Away…for Girls Night Out

I’m running away tonight. At least that’s how I feel right now. I can’t get out of the house fast enough. I’m meeting a friend/former colleague for dinner tonight and am so geeked to finally catch up with her! We have a lot in common and have similar life situations, and find ourselves chatting up every topic under the sun.

I feel furiously angry at the moment, and I’m sitting alone in our bedroom while husband has the kiddo at the playground, trying to process my fucking rage. He was on a business trip this past week. Left last Sunday, and he got home Friday night around 6PM…just in time for him to change into the costume I laid out for him for a friend’s birthday / Halloween party. I’ve managed the household by myself this entire week, which included 2 days of offsite workshops for MY job, which resulted in 3 hour round trip commutes those 2 days (the norm is less than an hour).

He’s been gone all week, barely got home in time for us to head out the door and go somewhere else. He’s had to do none of the work related to our family. No uninterrupted sleep because the kiddo woke up crying or the dog decided to make you his pillow at 3AM. No litany of chores to do before even walking out the door to go to work. Then heading into a job that is so ambiguously vague and with a boss who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, just to up the anxiety and frustration levels I was already feeling at home. I sobbed Tuesday morning before work, because I was tired and felt like I was running on fumes, and was trying to figure out how mentally I was going to make it through another shitty day.

We had a great time last night, but I feel like it all dissolved this morning. Our child woke up at 5:30AM. When I saw the monitor, she already had her bedroom light on and had toys out and was playing. No going back to sleep for mom. My hubby ended up sleeping until almost 9AM. This afternoon he left 20 minutes before she woke up from her nap (both her and I were asleep), and was gone almost 2 hours running errands all by himself.

He couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to take our kid and the dog for a walk by myself, without him. I suggested a family walk and he agreed, but then said he had to poop. I sighed in frustration, because the family walk would have to wait until his leisurely shit was done. He jumped down my throat about how he can’t even take a poop without me getting pissed.

It’s not that. It’s not the poop itself, it’s the cumulative pile of shit. It’s the build up of frustration of me having no one to tap out to all week, and then continuing more of the same over the weekend. When I thought it’d be my turn to get a break. When I thought him coming home would bring some kind of relief.

What I really wanted was for him to say, “Let me get up with her since you’ve been holding down the fort all week.” All I heard was his snoring beside me as I got out of bed. All I wanted was for him to ask, “How can I help you unwind after this week?” All I wanted for him was to think of me and how he could help relieve some of my frustration or irritation. What I wanted is a little bit of the reprieve he had this week, being on his own. I wanted a little bit of equality.

So yes, I’m totally fucking running away tonight. Even got my running shoes on.

Pick Myself Up

We are at the park. It’s a beautiful day. I feel incapable of joy. Or any positive emotion. I want to cry, almost all the time. I know my husband is frustrated with me. I see how he looks at me, disgusted at times. He’s even referred to me “poor you” when he’s really angry with me. I know I’m impacting him. I don’t sleep very well at night. I look around at all these happy families and think, “Why can’t that be me?” The tears spill down my cheeks. Even my dog isn’t sitting by me. He’d much rather explore the park.

Every day feels like an uphill climb for me. I’m not just on the struggle bus; I’m driving that bitch. Have been for awhile.

I’m in therapy. Work out regularly. Keep a gratitude journal. Eat right. Try to get enough sleep. Am trying to find a psychiatrist to get me on a medication that may help. This sadness overwhelms all my efforts. I hate feeling this way.

I want something different for my life, my legacy. I don’t want this endless trail of sadness to follow me. Yet I don’t know how to pick myself up.