Discovering something new, every day.
Tag: #life
Random, funny texts.
Hugs that linger.
A knowing smile.
Flowers for no reason.
Being the little spoon. Or the big spoon.
Cuddles by a warm fire.
A relaxing foot massage.
Being curled comfortably in your lap.
Holding hands on a walk.
Being kissed awake.
Long talks about anything and everything.
A shared joke.
Getting my head rubbed.
Morning coffee in bed.
Your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine.
Being pressed against you.
Ecstasy.
Pleasure.
Desire.
Release.
I have been struggling with heavy periods for awhile now and went to see my OB/GYN. Not only do my cycles last 7-8 days, but I am having disgusting size clots that would make you gag if I were to describe the size of them to you. In addition to that fun, I am having terrible cramps as a result. I get it, my body is trying to extricate this stuff from me, but often leaves me wanting to curl into a fetal position and just sob. The pain is through my lower abdomen, radiating down the front of my thighs, and is so intense I am forced to stop and deep breathe through it. To no one’s surprise, I have been feeling depleted and exhausted both during and after my periods. I thought it may be attributed solely to perimenopause, my OB/GYN had different thoughts. Just a reminder to all the ladies out there: heavy periods aren’t normal.
During my appointment with my OB/GYN, she scheduled me for both an ultrasound and a uterine biopsy to rule out fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian and uterine cancer. Yay! My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and the biopsy is scheduled for Tuesday. Let the worrying begin!
Although this isn’t my first biopsy (I have titanium beads in both boobs from previous biopsies!), I thought I was handling this round pretty well until I realized I wasn’t. Last Sunday afternoon, I was lying in bed trying to nap and an image came up in my mind of having to tell my daughter I had cancer. The vision felt so real I started to sob in my bed. I lost my dad to cancer, albeit lung cancer, but this is one of the biggest worries and fears as a mother. That my daughter will lose me early in life. I was 24 when my dad died, and he was only 50 years old. I am 45 years old, and in just five short years, I will be the same age as when my dad left this Earth. I wish I could tell you I don’t have paranoia about dying at the same age he did, but I do. I really, really do. And as my biopsy appointment approaches, I feel more and more anxiety creeping in. If you haven’t ever had to experience this, it is pure agony having to wait for biopsy results. As if the lead up to the procedure isn’t bad enough, those days after, when everything seems to hang in the balance while you are waiting on a pathology report, are completely excruciating.
If you read this, please say a little prayer for me or send me good vibes or anything positive. I sure could use it. Until then, I will be trying to keep myself distracted so I don’t circle down this black hole of what if scenarios until I have a panic attack.
There is an electricity in the air.
It tingles my skin and makes my pulse race.
Something good is on its way to me.
I have a feeling deep inside my soul about it.
There are times my heart is bursting with joy
And I thank the Universe for all my blessings.
At times, it doesn’t feel real to live this life.
To finally be free.
I never knew I could be this happy
After so much grief.
The wonder of possibilities
Lay before me.
What if it all works out?
What if I get what I have been longing for?
What if my dreams become reality?
I am hopeful.
Recently, I’ve been feeling this inexplicable sense that somehow life is passing me by. I am sitting on the sidelines of my own life and it gives me so much anxiety I can hardly breathe. I feel so depleted physically and emotionally from the past week, and yet, my body, my soul, is screaming out from inside of me to do something! Except I don’t know what that something is. I feel so lost right now, so completely unfulfilled, and I don’t know how to remedy it and it is driving me slowly insane. I am not happy right now with my career, my personal life, my finances, my love life, my health & well-being…it all needs an overhaul and a revamp. I don’t know where to begin.
I have been in the house for almost 10 days now, from my daughter testing positive for Covid, to me testing positive last Friday. With the exception of two short Target pick up orders (with masks!) and walks by myself, I have been stuck within the confines of this house. I am lonely and in need of connection very badly. However, I feel like the only connection I can come by these days comes with a price: money or sex. I am running short on the first and I don’t have the energy right now to use my body as currency for connection. I literally cannot have someone take from me without it being returned in full force. And so I sit here, the dog my solo companion.
I keep thinking to myself – when am I going to get it together? But honestly, deep down inside I know that is a very harsh, uncompassionate response to myself. I know this! And I know that voice is not my own…it likely stems from my mother. Or step-mother. Or one of the other cruel teachers from my life. My own inner being is not cruel; she is inquisitive, joyful, hopeful, playful, curious, and loving. I have been so tired of having tough experiences that have hardened me in some form or fashion. I’m ready to live a life of ease, of softness. I’ve got myself and can take care of everything in my life, but I am tired of having to do it all alone. We weren’t meant to be alone. We weren’t meant to be lonely.
I’m crying as I type these words out, knowing that all these feelings have to come out somehow. I can no longer suppress them and have this resentment, anger, or sadness welling up inside of me. They must come out. So I type, and cry, cry and type, until I feel like enough of my emotions have been released that I can say “Good enough” for today and put my computer away.
What No One Told Me 