Author: Erin

It’s Benign but…

I wrote last month about a uterine biopsy, which came back fine! But to my surprise, October turned out to be “biopsy month”, as I have now dubbed it. I had gone to the dermatologist for my annual skin check when he saw a mole on my upper arm that was concerning. PSA: Get your skin check people!

I trust this dermatologist because several years ago he removed a mole on the side of my boob that he thought was sus and when that biopsy came back, the cells were precancerous but the margins were clear. This meant he removed all the precancerous skin and the edges around the part did not have any abnormal cells. The biopsy results this time were a bit of a different story. I saw the note posted first in medical gibberish on the patient portal before I received a call from their office. I highly do not recommend googling search results because I went down a rabbit hole of panic and despair, only to freak myself out. It was not pretty.

The call came the next day. “Your biopsy results were benign but we need to do an excision surgery to remove an additional margin around the area.” Well shit! Surgery folks. A bigger hole in my skin plus stitches. Yay! I am relieved that it’s not full blown surgery in that I have to be put under general anesthesia. I also feel grateful that I have been going for regular skin check-ups and was able to catch this earlier rather than later.

In talking with my sister, we reflected on how compared to our parents, we are taking much better care of ourselves than they ever did. This makes me proud of myself and also reflects my commitment to my kiddo. I cannot be around a long time for her if I am not taking care of my physical and mental well-being. And I’m learning, even though I do have a child, that I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of them. In the past, I wasn’t good at that and am happy I have made great progress in this area.

Am I nervous about this surgery? A little, yes. Again, as I creep closer to being the same age my father died at, I say a little prayer that I will be around for awhile for the sake of my kiddo. But I also know deep inside that I have been through so many things and there is a deep knowing that I will be able to get through this too.

What I Desire

Random, funny texts.
Hugs that linger.
A knowing smile.
Flowers for no reason.
Being the little spoon. Or the big spoon.
Cuddles by a warm fire.
A relaxing foot massage.
Being curled comfortably in your lap.
Holding hands on a walk.
Being kissed awake.
Long talks about anything and everything.
A shared joke.
Getting my head rubbed.
Morning coffee in bed.
Your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine.
Being pressed against you.
Ecstasy.
Pleasure.
Desire.
Release.

Hi Ho It’s Off for a Biopsy I Go!

I have been struggling with heavy periods for awhile now and went to see my OB/GYN. Not only do my cycles last 7-8 days, but I am having disgusting size clots that would make you gag if I were to describe the size of them to you. In addition to that fun, I am having terrible cramps as a result. I get it, my body is trying to extricate this stuff from me, but often leaves me wanting to curl into a fetal position and just sob. The pain is through my lower abdomen, radiating down the front of my thighs, and is so intense I am forced to stop and deep breathe through it. To no one’s surprise, I have been feeling depleted and exhausted both during and after my periods. I thought it may be attributed solely to perimenopause, my OB/GYN had different thoughts. Just a reminder to all the ladies out there: heavy periods aren’t normal.

During my appointment with my OB/GYN, she scheduled me for both an ultrasound and a uterine biopsy to rule out fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian and uterine cancer. Yay! My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and the biopsy is scheduled for Tuesday. Let the worrying begin!

Although this isn’t my first biopsy (I have titanium beads in both boobs from previous biopsies!), I thought I was handling this round pretty well until I realized I wasn’t. Last Sunday afternoon, I was lying in bed trying to nap and an image came up in my mind of having to tell my daughter I had cancer. The vision felt so real I started to sob in my bed. I lost my dad to cancer, albeit lung cancer, but this is one of the biggest worries and fears as a mother. That my daughter will lose me early in life. I was 24 when my dad died, and he was only 50 years old. I am 45 years old, and in just five short years, I will be the same age as when my dad left this Earth. I wish I could tell you I don’t have paranoia about dying at the same age he did, but I do. I really, really do. And as my biopsy appointment approaches, I feel more and more anxiety creeping in. If you haven’t ever had to experience this, it is pure agony having to wait for biopsy results. As if the lead up to the procedure isn’t bad enough, those days after, when everything seems to hang in the balance while you are waiting on a pathology report, are completely excruciating.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me or send me good vibes or anything positive. I sure could use it. Until then, I will be trying to keep myself distracted so I don’t circle down this black hole of what if scenarios until I have a panic attack.

Hopeful

There is an electricity in the air.
It tingles my skin and makes my pulse race.
Something good is on its way to me.
I have a feeling deep inside my soul about it.
There are times my heart is bursting with joy
And I thank the Universe for all my blessings.
At times, it doesn’t feel real to live this life.
To finally be free.
I never knew I could be this happy
After so much grief.
The wonder of possibilities
Lay before me.
What if it all works out?
What if I get what I have been longing for?
What if my dreams become reality?
I am hopeful.