Recently, I’ve been feeling this inexplicable sense that somehow life is passing me by. I am sitting on the sidelines of my own life and it gives me so much anxiety I can hardly breathe. I feel so depleted physically and emotionally from the past week, and yet, my body, my soul, is screaming out from inside of me to do something! Except I don’t know what that something is. I feel so lost right now, so completely unfulfilled, and I don’t know how to remedy it and it is driving me slowly insane. I am not happy right now with my career, my personal life, my finances, my love life, my health & well-being…it all needs an overhaul and a revamp. I don’t know where to begin.

I have been in the house for almost 10 days now, from my daughter testing positive for Covid, to me testing positive last Friday. With the exception of two short Target pick up orders (with masks!) and walks by myself, I have been stuck within the confines of this house. I am lonely and in need of connection very badly. However, I feel like the only connection I can come by these days comes with a price: money or sex. I am running short on the first and I don’t have the energy right now to use my body as currency for connection. I literally cannot have someone take from me without it being returned in full force. And so I sit here, the dog my solo companion.

I keep thinking to myself – when am I going to get it together? But honestly, deep down inside I know that is a very harsh, uncompassionate response to myself. I know this! And I know that voice is not my own…it likely stems from my mother. Or step-mother. Or one of the other cruel teachers from my life. My own inner being is not cruel; she is inquisitive, joyful, hopeful, playful, curious, and loving. I have been so tired of having tough experiences that have hardened me in some form or fashion. I’m ready to live a life of ease, of softness. I’ve got myself and can take care of everything in my life, but I am tired of having to do it all alone. We weren’t meant to be alone. We weren’t meant to be lonely.

I’m crying as I type these words out, knowing that all these feelings have to come out somehow. I can no longer suppress them and have this resentment, anger, or sadness welling up inside of me. They must come out. So I type, and cry, cry and type, until I feel like enough of my emotions have been released that I can say “Good enough” for today and put my computer away.